Confession

We slept in this morning. I asked Jake if he wanted to visit a church at 9:30 and he kind of grunted at me...

In the last six weeks we've attended church twice. I find myself very quick to add that we've all been really sick two Sundays of the six and we wouldn't have taken our kids to any nursery on those days. And the two times we did visit a church were the weeks of bad nurseries and nobody saying hi to me...

The thought of visiting a church right now makes me a little nauseous... I hate going any place where I don't know anybody. I hate handing my kids over to people I don't know and trusting them to care for them. I hate smiling at people I don't know and telling them generic little bits of my story. I hate wearing this mask that says 'I'm so happy to be here', when I'm not. I don't want to visit churches. I don't want to try and find someplace that feels sort of right. I hate feeling that there will never be a church that's right for my family.

Of course, I'm still mourning the loss of our church and the three years I invested in that congregation. I'm hurt that only one person has called me to find out where we are and what's going on.

I don't know if you've visited a church recently, but it's awful- people really just want to talk to their friends and people they know. They're not rude, at least not intentionally. They're just busy. Plus, I'm shy. (which Jake thinks is very funny, but it's not!) I'd love to magically get over being quiet and too serious, but since I'm 34 and haven't gotten over it yet, I don't think it'll happen anytime soon. Frankly, I'd rather be talking to people I know, too.

Visting churches is just awful. Maybe if we weren't looking for a home church it would be okay. If we were just listening to sermons and the music I think I'd enjoy it. That's probably going to be the only way I'm going to psych myself up for this- convince myself that we're just going to listen, not searching for our own home church...