Saturday, August 26, 2006


Aarg. I'm awake and my clock reads 5:15 a.m. This is not good...
This time it's 'cuz I'm sick, Abigail's sick, Jake's sick, Deborah's sick.
My Mom and my sister are probably going to be sick.
Sore throat. stuffed up nose. headache. itchy stopped up ears.
I hate being sick! Since we've had the girls all I am is sick!
Sick! Sick! Sick!
I go from flu to cold, then a different cold, and back to flu again.

And probably this cold is from the nasty nursery I stuck Abigail in last Sunday!!! She was the first one of us to show symptoms, which makes me even more frustrated with the church we visited... I tell you, you will never look at a church the same way after you have kids! It's just a big germ factory! Every cold and flu bug we've caught has been from the nursery at church. Kids have runny noses and put the nursery toys in their mouths and drop them on the floor and some other baby, my baby, puts it in her mouth and gets every germ that the last child carried... And she brings it home and gets everybody here sick, and then we take her back to the nursery and she gets some other baby sick, and then it rotates back to us!!!! (okay, yes, the Mommy is flipping out, but she will be okay soon... just look away and give her a quiet moment to herself)

I am a lake. Calm. Collected. Quiet. At peace... I never want to put my baby in a nursery again. There. That was very calm, not paranoid at all...

My friend who has been a member at the church we visited last Sunday asked me to write a letter to the pastor about our experience there... Yikes. Okay, so I'm doing it, and it's not some mean, vicious "you guys suck!" letter either... It's a "I believe you want to grow and make a difference in our community, but here is a visitor's perspective on your church" type letter... So maybe by the time I get the letter mailed and they respond, we'll all be well enough to visit another church. yippee.

POEM: Farm Kitten

Okay, this is an odd little poem that started out on the shower wall... Christmas two years ago my sister gave Jake a writing board for the shower. (About once a month he'd yell from the shower "Becca, Becca, Bring the paper & pencil!" 'cuz he always gets his best song ideas in the shower, and was regularly forgetting half the song before he'd be dried off and sitting with paper and a pen..) The board itself is the size of a regular sheet of paper, but the writing utensil works like a crayon, so the board got filled IMMEDIATELY. Now we all just use the crayon on the shower wall, so it's completely covered with the lyrics to one of Jake's songs and a scripture I memorized and a drawing for a display stand for our beading and who knows what else...

Jake started this poem one night about a year ago while giving Deborah a bath, and we all just sort of built on it. It's rough. It's bad (try writing poetry by committee), it's downright silly and non-sensical. For a long time now it's been on our shower wall with a sign reading FIX ME. You are welcome to add bits. My only request is read it out loud before suggesting it... the only reason it SORT OF works is 'cuz of the rhythm...

Once I met a kitten,
who lived on a farm.
He had paws, a tail and claws,
but all I had were arms.
I asked if I could borrow them,
thinking, “what’s the harm?”
“I catch my dinner with my claws,”
said the kitten from the farm.
“I balance on high rails
with my whippy tail.
My velvet black paws-
pad so quietly
through nooks, crannies, and crooks,
and help me climb up trees.”

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

POEM: Boxing God

I am
Fighting you
with all my heart and mind and soul and strength.
Saying no to what is.
Fighting what appears to be your Plan,
your Will.
I hate you.
I cannot choke it down.
I vomit
spewing pain.
Bile pours.
How dare you destroy me?
I am your creation
and you have marred me
ruined and wrecked and broken me.
Consequences of your Choice
trip me and I fall
a hole
a trap
no light


I woke up today knowing that God really does have a church for us...

I've been incredibly depressed about finding a new church and doing the whole visiting thing and taking my girls to a nursery and children's department. This is a HUGE priority to me- an excellent nursery, and a good, safe, fun place for my three year old. It does me no good to go to a church where I spend the entire service fretting if my girls are safe and well-cared for. I just might as well stay at home instead.

(We visited a church these last two Sundays which does not have a good nursery... It did have an excellent class for my oldest, but the nursery care was severely lacking. If I wasn't already a Christian, and hadn't been a member of a church before, I'd think that Christians just don't care about babies! or child safety... or paying attention to the children left in their care. The babies were just crawling around while the three nursery workers talked/chatted oblivious to the point of not even noticing me standing at the door and calling to them. THREE times I called, and I finally yelled to get their attention!)

I woke up this morning with faith that this search will work out- that we will find a church and that this church will be right for me, Jake, and the girls. Which is a blessing! I've been so upset about losing our church and the whole task of finding one that I could see very little but chaos- it's felt completely out of control. I guess this search really is out of my control, but I'd been forgetting/discounting/not believing that it was in God's control.

Thank you God for this peace. I needed you to take over and remove this fretting and worrying. I'm sorry I'm such a worrier. Please help me trust you during this time of waiting. You are faithful even when I'm not.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Get Your Bissell now!

Our vaccuum cleaner broke down and is no longer functional... If you have an 11 1/2 month old baby who puts every little tiny piece of floor trash she sees in her mouth and a 3 year old who feeds herself and the floor in equal parts, you know why this is a BIG DEAL. So my wonderful, sweet, kind, generous friend Vallette lent me hers. She has a powerful 12 amp Bissell with hepa filter, and appropriate attachments. I've never used a vaccuum cleaner in my life that made me understand why people used them- I'm forever going over and over the same little area trying to get it to pick up trash. The Bissell works- boy, howdy, does it work! I did the floors, the stairs, the insides of the couch and two arm chairs... and anything else I thought could use a good vaccuuming...

I'm sold! If I wasn't opposed to stealing, and if my friend wasn't so cool, I'd steal it from her! So my advice: if you're thinking of having a three year old or an 11 1/2 month old in your near future, get a Bissell!

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Awake Again!

Aaaah! It's 5:45 a.m. and I'm awake again!!! (that sin thing, you know...)

Okay, I will not be sarcastic. I will say that worrying is a sin. I'll go with that. I don't know that I'm actually worrying per-se... But I am mighty fretful. I am incredibly depressed about being stuck up here for another winter when I had totally and completely prepared myself for the move down south. I'd mourned moving from Fairbanks and emotionally dealt with losing my mom's house and some other stuff (great library, school I grew up in, friends, aurora...) that was really important to me and here we are... Stuck in Fairbanks for another winter... What on earth is God doing??? I know my Mom was pretty messed up for a month, but that isn't the only reason she has dragged this whole process out. She seems to be really terrified of making a step this big. She's lived in Alaska since '83.... You'd think that would just make her more ready to split. But, no...

Also, I am fretting about our church... I know I need to just let this go, but it's so hard for me to do that... I tend to worry, worry, worry, over things like a dog on a bone, or the ocean rubbing away at the cliffs in Oregon, or Niagara taking out chunks of the earth beneath itself... I'm trying to figure out what God wants of me, whether worship leadership is something He put before me or something I put before me. It's something I truly love, but I know people who love espressos, and chocolate, and beer- doesn't mean they're good for you..

I found this web-site called Christians for Biblical Equality, and they used the same verses my pastor used (1 Cor. & 1 Tim.) and talked about the cultural context, plus brought up Mr. Page Patterson- the guy we Southwestern graduates all love dearly. Interesting stuff. The authors there claim that these passages cannot be pulled out of their cultural context and that they do not mandate that women hold no authority over men. That they are referring to a specific time and situation where some women were being incredibly disruptive in the worship setting. Am I choosing to agree with this site 'cuz it fits in with my "world view"? Or as my pastor would say, "you just want that to be true, so you choose to agree with it. But that isn't what the Bible says."

God, help me stop worrying over this bone! I'm just pulling the ground out from under myself. Would you please give me clarity in this. Please guide us QUICKLY to another church.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Rain Walk

Deborah & I took a walk in the rain two days ago. 'Twas wonderful... She got that wonderful new her-size umbrella at the fair and was desperate to try it out. Of course, we got a block away from the house and it was too heavy for her to carry anymore, so she ended up just walking under mine. We listened to the rain fall on the umbrella, walked in and around puddles, and played "I Spy". We came back home happy, tired and wet- A most successful venture.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Guilty Pleasure- Firefly

Okay, so I'm going to admit this... My name is Rebecca and I am a Firefly fan.

I have watched all the episodes of Firefly- including the ones that were never sent to tv... I've watched the movie Serenity more than twice... Serenity was the conclusion of the series. (a very strange and wonderful turn of events, since mostly things start as movies and then get sent to tv)

If you've never heard of Firefly (perish the thought!) I will tell you the basics. Written and directed by Joss Whedon (screenwriter of Buffy the Vampire Slayer), this slow lasted something like 10 episodes and was killed. But the outcry of it's devastated fans brought about the successful and really dang good movie Serenity...
After the success of Buffy & Angel, Whedon was given a lot of room by a network (which shall remain nameless) to create another quirky series, and he had this idea for a Western sci-fi leaning more toward the Millenium Falcon than the Enterprise. The idea was that yeah, they have laser guns, but that they don't always work and some people can't afford to buy 'em... The producers were nervous, but let him have a try at it. He created some really interesting characters and a fantastic mystery... And it kind of looked like not very many people liked it, 'cuz they stuck it in some really weird time-slot like Monday at 2 a.m.... However, people flipped out when it was killed- letters poured in, fan clubs were created, phone calls and emails were delivered and money was offered for a movie. And the movie got made!

The mystery centers around a sister and brother (River and Simon) who are fleeing the government because some really awful mind/brain experiments were done on her. They take refuge on board the Firefly which has a crew of interesting refugees (Malcolm, brooding heroic captain who denies caring for anyone; Zoe, amazon warrior first mate with a passion for her husband; Inara, prostitute with a heart of gold; Kaylee, sweet and innocent mechanic; Book, enigmatic Shepherd/Priest with a past; Wash, clownish good-hearted pilot married to the first mate; Jayne, freaky bad guy turned crew who always seems to be ready to stab anyone in the back).

Many of the episodes were about the government chase, still others were about the crew trying to scrape together enough money to keep their ship running. The captain and first mate (Malcolm and Zoe) were in the recent war trying to keep the current government out of control, so they lean on the side of River and Simon. However, the government attention turned toward them and their illegal activities because of their association with River and Simon starts getting a little scarey. The mystery is "what was the purpose of the experiments? Why is the government so all fired anxious to get this chick back? Who are the freaky men with blue hands chasing River?"

I will give no secrets away! But most of the mystery was solved in the movie, which I thoroughly enjoyed. Some sad/bad things happen in Serenity, which I'd prefer to pretend didn't happen. But it was a good movie. I actually saw the movie first and then went back and rented the episodes from Blockbuster (will probably try to buy 'em when I find 'em). Viewing them in this unorthodox order did not diminish my enjoyment of either the movie or the episodes.

Anyway, I am a fan. I will admit it. If you've missed them I'd encourage you to try it. Firefly is not for everyone, and I will not hate you if you didn't like them. (I will probably view you with a vague aura of suspicion and distrust, though). ;)


I can't sleep. It's 4:16 a.m. here and I've been in bed for about an hour, just laying there looking at the wall and trying not to be so loud that I wake up the baby... I keep turning and twisting... Can't event blame my husband- yes, he's snoring, but very quietly. By the time I get back in there his snores will be louder, loud enough to keep me awake even longer, but that's not what has kept me up... I wish I knew what kept me up... not being able to relax, worried about money, fretting about visiting new churches... The frustrating thing is that my oldest will be awake in a little over five hours. She wakes up around 9:30 regardless of her bed-time, so I will be awakened by a sad three year old and have to function regardless of how much sleep I've accumulated. I hate not being able to sleep!

I've dealt with insomnia since I was a baby. My mom has horror stories of walking the floor with me as a wakeful infant, and when I think about it I can remember being awake in the middle of the night every place I've lived- Oregon, California, Kotzebue, Texas, Seattle... traveling with the drama team, camping with my family... I used to be TERRIFIED of the dark, and I can remember living in Oregon and imagining the most horrific things in the dark. We had wood paneling in our home and I had "discovered" several scarey things that lived in the wood knots in the walls- There was a headless woman who wanted to remove other people's heads, and a fanged, clawed rabbit monster, and other just scarey faces with big open mouths... We moved away from that house when I was nine. The first really long time insomnia bout I lived through took place when we moved to Kotzebue, Alaska. Kotzebue is way up high inside the arctic circle on the coast. You have to either fly in or come in on dog sled. I started 7th grade there, and almost never slept until 3 or 4 a.m... I don't know if it was the stress- I had a really hard time in the schools there, or my body going through puberty or just what. But since then I have had bouts of insomnia that seem to last for months. Yes, they are related to stress, but there's generally more involved. I slept something like two hours a night during the last three or four months of my pregnancies. I just couldn't get comfortable- huge heavy body, wiggly tiny baby. Part of my insomnia seems to be related to not being able to be still. When I'm really tired I just can't seem to relax-

The last time I attended Sunday School at our church, (the one we've left because of the new pastor), the pastor's wife said that if you can't sleep it's because there's sin in your life. That God won't let you go to sleep until you confess the sin and that he uses sleeplessness to convict you of your sin... first time I've ever heard this one. Pretty much sums up why we're leaving the church... I can't sleep and haven't really been able to since I was a newborn, must be some serious sin in my life...

Friday, August 11, 2006

My Mom's stroke

It's been about a month since Beth and I came home from our Bible study to find my Mom passed out in her chair. We got an ambulance to come, 'cuz we thought she was in a diabetic coma... Well, it turned out it was a stroke. A minor one, but still a stroke.

For the first day, she was paralyzed from the neck down on her left side. She started making incredibly swift progress, and by the end of five days they sent her home from the hospital, 'cuz she could climb up ten stairs, the number in our split level house.

It's amazing how far she has come in the last month- we see almost daily improvement. The biggest slow down has been in her shoulders. She just doesn't have the strength she used to have, and has a very hard time picking up my youngest baby, Abigail. This is probably what gets Mom down more than anything other than the sheer frustration of having to deal with her limited arm mobility. We keep trying to remind her of how far she's come.

The end result of this month though is that we are stuck in Fairbanks for another winter!!!! AAAAAAAH! I seriously have to say this is the one thing I didn't want to happen. To be stuck in Fairbanks- To have to weather another frigid winter. To deal with the cold, dressing little children to be safe... The darkness and the inevitable Seasonal Depression. I did not want to be here till next May. I feel so caged ...

God, why did you allow us to get stuck here another winter? I want to get outside! Closer to our extended family and my Texas family... Back to a place of usefulness... and further away from our church up here. Now we really do have to find another church up here... I thought we'd be able to find a place of service somewhere else. This feels so far from what I thought you were doing in our lives...

Thursday, August 10, 2006

To the Fair

We all went to the Tanana Valley State Fair this week! Great fun! Great excitement! I know this is a small fair, but I like the size. Here's the demographics from the 2000 census- Fairbanks city limits: 30,224. Fairbanks and vicinity: 82,840.

Last year at the fair we had an attendance of a little under 130,000 for the week, which includes all the outside vendors and performers plus all the people who drive in from outlying areas to attend. Less than a lot of cities outside...

Anyway, what that means is that for all four of the children's rides we put our three year old on she only waited one run through the ride before she got on, she was one of three children on the carousel, & she and her daddy were the only people on the dragon. Do you remember the dragon? Kind of shaped like a viking ship, goes back and forth like a swing? Well, this version would have only held about eight people. And because they were alone on the ride when Deborah started to panic and cry because it was going too high the ride handler slowed it down for her and brought it back down low. Deborah was able to ride the entire length of the ride while the woman kept it low enough and slow enough for my baby to enjoy the whole thing. Thank you God for ride handlers who understand that three year old's are not stupid when they get scared! Deborah ended up wanting to go on more rides because of this woman and the way she handled Deborah's panic.

The other adventure took place in the petting zoo while we were headed out to the car. Of course, she started crying when we got to the gate and she realized we were going home. So we offered her the chance to go back in the petting zoo one more time. (It's a quarter to get in, and right by the gate we entered) My sister went in with her, 'cuz I was holding the baby. And my sister sat down right in the middle of the puppy pen, which worked the first time, 'cuz there was one child for every puppy. This time there was only one other child and when Beth and Deborah sat down and held out the puppy chow Deborah was inundated with puppies. At least three puppies were crawling all over her, and she couldn't get out from under them. They were licking her face and chewing on her hair and she was stuck under them. Panic ensued! Which is too bad, 'cuz four hours before we'd had to drag her out of the puppy pen... She's got scratches all over her face from over-enthusiastic puppy paws. So this has become the recitation for anybody who asks about the fair: "The puppies' liked me so much they tried to eat me up!"

All told we had a fantastic time- we ate wonderful food, pet more cows and goats and sheep and puppies than we probably should have, saw several friends (small town), saw an air brush artist (treated rather like a rock star, with an adoring rowdy crowd), saw a man dressed up as a live tree, saw some pretty gifted jugglers and an amazing crew of drummers, spent more money than we should have, and brought home very silly goodies. Deborah has a harmonica and an umbrella ( it rained part of the time we were there, a yearly feature of the Tanana Valley state fair). Yay, Fair! Our state fair is a great state fair! Don't miss it! Don't even be late!

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

TV Shows

I'm in the middle of a Beth Moore Bible study (which are excellent, if you've never heard of them or her). Yesterday's reading was about keeping yourself safe from worldly influences and helps you evaluate what forms of media you take in... and if you need to make some changes. She asks what tv shows you've watched in the last month, and as I wrote my response I found myself laughing... The only tv shows I've watched in the last month are: Barney, Mister Rogers, and Sesame Street.... Perhaps I do need to evaluate what I'm watching! Aaah! One never knows what evil influences might have slipped into my life! Zoe and Elmo! I'm sure there's something significant in their names! Mister Rogers... Something sinister in "you're special"... And that Barney... There must be something wrong in his relationship with Baby Bop...

Monday, August 07, 2006

Long writings...

Heavens, I just read over my last few posts.... I certainly do write and write and write and write... Very long posts. So, I thought I should do a short one to see if I could.

Heart's Desire

About three months ago our new pastor told me that women are supposed to remain silent in worship services. He has told me I'm making up something out of God's will 'cuz I just want it to be so... Since I had been leading worship at our church for the last six months or so, this had a huge impact on me and my service in our church... I've been leading worship or assisting in leading worship for a LONG time...

When I was 17 I experienced a call into ministry and during college got be part of a Baptist Student Union (now called Baptist Campus Ministries) I was asked to lead worship during my third year at UAF and during that year I helped plan and sang while a friend played the piano. During the next year I planned by myself, worked with a pianist, and led the worship at our Solid Rock Monday night meetings. ( My pastor says this is perfectly fine because it wasn't part of a church) I was also part of a drama team that had been initially created to help out several churches in the area who were without a pastor. We would come in a do a complete service, and by the third year of a our inception we were leading some music and also doing a drama program...

Which is also pretty much what I did in seminary- I was part of a drama team called "The Company" that got to travel all over and do a lot of different kinds of things: either complete service presentations or bits and pieces in your typical worship service. We also got to be part of youth and kids' camps, or go into schools and do scripts, we led drama workshops... a lot of wonderful cool things- I've always felt that what we did was "leading worship", even though it wasn't the traditional sing two choruses and a hymn type worship.

After graduating from seminary I got called to serve as a worship minister in a church start which failed, ended up marrying a guy who had also been called to lead worship, and then got the chance to serve in a really great church with my husband for two years. It was a small blended (we would sing praise songs, a hymn and use scripture readings, responsive readings and drama scripts) SBC church in the Seattle area. I got to serve as the youth director for part of our time there and we really enjoyed the church. The only hard part was that my teaching job was at the other end of Seattle so we lived pretty far from the church... Jake and I would trade off leading worship, which our congregation responded very well to... The previous worship minister at the church had been a woman. We left that congregation so that Jake could pursue an education to eventually become a full time worship minister...

We joined a church knowing that we would not have ministry jobs, but that we would be able to serve in the congregation, while Jake focused on school... We've been deeply plugged into this congregation. I was employed as the Director of Children's Activities for a little over a year, directed the children's choir, sang on the worship team, worked with the youth, directed a couple of drama pieces with the youth. Jake mostly did school, but was also employed as the janitor for over a year, and about the time our second daughter was born was hired as the church secretary. We also substituted for the worship minister whenever he had to be out of town. In about September of 2005 the worship minister asked if we'd take over the evening services because his job situation was changing. So, we've been leading the evening services for the last 7 or 8 months... Jake and I have been trading off leading the services. We got a new pastor in about March... And after about a month he met with us and told me that I should not be leading, that I should not be speaking and that I was "stealing" from my husband. (which my husband found offensive) He told me that I just want it to be okay with God, and that leading worship is completely out of God's will for my life.

I have been struggling with what that means for me and how to deal with the emotional mess of it all. I've worked with at least 4 pastors now- in the southern baptist community, no less. None of them have had a problem with me leading. This has really come as a shock. I've been shaken badly in my understanding of God's call on my life. I have NEVER questioned whether it was appropriate for me to lead worhsip. I grew up in a southern baptist church with a woman directing the music. Attended two other SBC churches with women leading the music. When I was called to ministry this was the big thing God has continued to lay on my heart.

I am deeply burdened over the area of worship in the church... Boy, that sounds so stupid and churchy- this makes me weep and ache in a way I can't explain except to say that it's a big deal to God and He's made it a big deal to me- The average church member will never have a deeply personal worship experience in their entire life... Or maybe they will have one. My heart longs for the average church member to experience true life-changing worship... I long for Christians to see their Father in a new way, to understand how amazing and powerful and holy and awesome and loving and PERSONAL their God is. Why did God give me this burden? Why on earth did he put this longing and aching in my heart and then put that heart in a woman if I'm not to DO something about it? I have seen my God in the temple. I have beheld His glory. I have been changed- I have been able to experience true worship- In spirit and truth... My heart's desire is to sculpt worship services in such a way that people come face to face with Jesus and are changed, that they see Him high and lifted up and are drawn to Him... Not just people who don't know Him, but those who have become "comfortable" with church. This gets me excited, this gets me almost incomprehensible with the importance of it, this gets me going off and reading and researching and listening to music I HATE and finding music I LOVE, and digging through old trash scripts that I've saved from ten years ago. That someone would would get Jesus not just in their head but in their heart, too.

God, what are you doing? I know that you are reminding me of what You called me to do... I know that You don't need me to do anything- that I'm just blessed by You to get to participate in Your work... God what are You doing? Why on earth did You place this in my heart if You didn't want me to do something about it? And what did you want me to do with it? Be silent and pray? Why has this man been placed in control of the church? He is so interested in remaining true to Your word and so sure that I'm not... Am I remaining true to Your purpose in my life? Is this something I'm coming up with on my own? "Cuz i don't want to be outside of Your plan for my life. I really don't want to be somewhere You aren't... God, I'm so confused... the Pastor is correct- there are two passages (1 Corinthians and 1Timothy) that state women should remain silent and have no authority over men. I know I don't have the authority to question You... I'm just really confused right now. And I can't stand losing a church over something that might turn out to be my little made up life plan. I really only want Your plan. What's Your plan?

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Ear Tubes

Aaah! We just spent another horrific night with our youngest. (she's 11 months old now!) She's got severe infection in both her ears again, and she whimpered and whined through about three hours of sleep, woke up at 3 a.m. and screamed until 5:30 a.m. The only reason she stopped was my decision to give her ibuprofen on top of the tylenol she'd already had at midnight... She's had ear infections for the last four or five months and we've gone through every antibiotic they offer to infants. We've finally been referred to see an ear, nose and throat specialist, and of course, his first recommendation was ear tubes.

Our oldest did this, too. By the time Deborah was 10 months old she'd had about 5 or 6 straight months of ear infections. We'd done enough antibiotics to choke a horse. We debated and discussed her ears and the surgery for at least 15 minutes with the ENT. I cannot tell you how badly I was freaked out. Taking her to the hospital and turning her over to the nurses in blue gowns.... Waiting and waiting while they're cutting her ear drums open... Imagining all the horrible things that could go wrong... Some of the most terrifying Mommy moments I've experienced yet. This time around the same doctor suggested ear tubes and asked if I had any questions. "Nope, sign us up. When's the surgery?" Remembering my fears and concerns from the last time, he asked me if I was sure. All I had to say was "We've been through this. We know how it works, and she can't just keep taking antibiotics that make her almost as sick as the infections do.."

So, the surgery is next Wednesday, and I'm fairly confident it will go very well. I most look forward to sleeping again. I remember the first night after Deborah's surgery: She had woken up at least three times every night since she'd been born. (remember, she was ten months old- at least three times a night for ten months) At eight a.m. the next morning, I woke up scared to death, jumped up and raced to her bed. She was sleeping calmly, quietly... She had slept all night. Amazing. I went back to bed and slept for another two hours...

Sside note: Sitting in the waiting room with us were two families. One was a woman with three older kids (probably 8-13 yrs). She spent the entire time alternately speaking loudly on her cell phone, yelling rudely at them, telling them they were stupid, and ignoring them while they loudly squabbled amongst themselves. The other was a woman with two younger kids, one two years old and the other probably the same age as my baby. She watched over them, let them explore the area, quietly directed their behavior, and pulled the baby out of the problems his exploring caused. I've got to tell you, I don't want to be like that first mother!! She annoyed everyone in the room. While the second mother blessed me, my baby and the older gentleman sitting on our side of the room. Our children made eyes at each other, smiled, cooed and enjoyed each other. I admit that there are times I've picked Deborah up from a screaming temper tantrum and carried her out of the library, but God keep me from ever yelling "stupid idiot! shut your trap!" at her! I don't think that kind of "direction" is appropriate even in the privacy of our own home.

Thank you God for my babies! Thank you for how you've faithfully watched over them and taken care of them. Please heal Abigail's ears well enough for us to have the surgery next week. Please bless our sleep. Please let us sleep.