Saturday Smiles

On Saturday I share a couple of things that have made me smile during the last week.
*****

1. Break-Up!
The snow has been melting slowly, roads are clearing, and we are seeing pavement! Mind you, it's back down into the 20's today and it's SNOWING again. However, Spring is on it's way.

2. Farmer's Market Beading
I'm making jewelry! Almost every night! I'm trying to prepare for Farmer's Market, so I've been busily working bead magic. I'll share some new pieces this week. =)

3. Our Life Group on Thursday's
We've joined a group of about 5 couples from church, and we hang out on Thursday night for a couple of hours. We read the Bible together. Sometimes we play games and eat dinner. And this has been a really good thing. Jake & I are such introverts that it's hard for us to get to know people. We need community, with good friendships and sharing. With friends with whom we can walk this road of faith together.

Ode to the New Car

Oh! The joys of our new car!

Our Corolla drives lightly and picks up speed,
With a dome light that works,
And windows that go down and come back up!
Our headlights point at the road ahead
As we glide quietly up and down dark snowy streets,
The engine revs and swiftly arrows up hills.
Comfortable chairs support my neck and back,
As road noise is contained by insulated doors
and upholstered seats ease the remaining engine noise.
Fresh air gently blows on my face,
Cool when air-conditioned or
warm when heated during the winter.

All this comfort and attention to detail is shocking to a family used to:
doors that never seal shut, allowing road noise and bitter cold to seep through;
a lack of any internal light;
strangely holed seats;
a dog-nibbled emergency brake;
an over-taxed and dying engine;
dim headlights that point 2 feet from the front of the car;
weird electronic issues;
and a necessity of shifting into neutral at any and all stops signs and lights.

How we love our new car!
The praise we heap upon our new transportation!

Saturday Smiles

SORRY! I'm late. Didn't actually write this until Saturday late night, so it'll probably post as Sunday morning.

On Saturdays I post about a couple of things that made me smile over the last week.

*****

1.) A Musical!

I got to see FLOT's production of Music Man, and it was really good! I haven't gotten to see a play in a long time.

Man, it's killing me to not be in a production right now. But both my mom and Jake are saying it's time for me to start auditioning again... Hope the auditions result in performances! I haven't been in a show in about 7 years. That's a pretty long time.

2. Random kids saying Hi! to me all over Fairbanks

I work in a school as a reading tutor. I like my job. I get to help kids who struggle in reading, and I get to work one-on-one with them. I get to see them improve over the course of a school year, and I get to see how their progressing reading skills affect the rest of their school abilities and attitude.

As part of my tutoring job, I also do a daily half-hour stint as a recess monitor. I don't really like that part very much, particularly at -15 with wind chill. However, the side benefit of this job is that I get to know a lot of kids by name. And even the ones I don't know by name, recognize me outside of the school context.

Jake has teased me about being a pied piper since so many kids will say Hi to me at Fred Meyers & Walmart, in restaurants, and around town. It makes me smile every time. I love seeing kids I know out of the school context. I like seeing their families, and how they fit into the rest of the world.

3.) Farmer's Market Opens in 48 Days!

I checked out how many days till we open and I was shocked. For some reason, it's been feeling very far off. It's not! I need to get stringing! and Wire-wrapping!

Ice Alaska 2012

What an excellent adventure! We finally made it to the Ice Park yesterday. Slides and sculptures and snacks, oh my!

Jake & I both left our cameras at home, so after riding the train around the park Jake went home to grab them. The girls and I spent about 30 minutes playing around in the Kid's Ice Park while we waited for him. We spent a lot of time at this specific slide.

After Jake rejoined us, we walked through all the sculptures. I took many pictures of ice sculptures, so I'll just share a few of my favorites. My favorite multi-block was an amazingly textured and detailed sculpture of a porcupine and a leopard.

My favorite single-block was the butterfly in different stages of life. The cocoon and caterpillar were beautiful, but the butterfly blew me away. Incredible detail and texture. The fine antennas.

The girls' favorite was this lovely mermaid. I wish I had been able to get a better picture...

I loved the balance of this breaching whale.

This year was the first year my girls enjoyed looking at the statues. Even last year they were done in about ten minutes. Yesterday was a joy, with Abigail and Deborah enjoying the beauty of the sculptures. They looked at the textures and details and colors. They chose favorites, and I had a lot of fun talking about the statues with them. Then, just when they started to get bored, they developed the statue game. They would get set-up and wait patiently for me to discover their masterpiece. This statue was titled "The Frogs".

This statue was called "The Sled Ride".

After we couldn't feel our toes or fingers or ears, we stopped in the snack shack and warmed up with hot chocolate and pretzels. The room is crowded! I wish there was a better seating arrangement. However, everyone gets cold and everyone wants to warm up, so a lot of people end up in the room at the same time...
My girls love their hot chocolate. =)
After we finished warming up, we went back outside to play- slides and ice posing statues and mazes.

My girls passionately LOVED the slides most of all, but they enjoyed the mazes and turtles.

This year, I chose NOT to climb on one of the turtles. But Abigail and Deborah both enjoyed a turtle ride.

We had a wonderful time!

If you haven't had a chance to check out Ice Alaska, you are missing out. They show a gazillion photos on their website, but it's pretty clunky and difficult to navigate. My friend Susan has some amazing ice sculpture photos on her web-site, and it's much easier to scroll through the photos. Right now her blog has photos taken during the day, but I KNOW she's done an evening shoot (I've seen some of the photos on FB) and I'm counting on her having some more night photos posted to her blog soon.

Saturday Smiles

On Saturdays I post about a couple of things that make me smile.

*****

1) The Dragons of Ordinary Farm by Tad Williams & Deborah Beale

From Here: Tyler and Lucinda have to spend summer vacation with their ancient uncle Gideon, a farmer. They think they’re in for six weeks of cows, sheep, horses, and pigs. But when they arrive in deserted Standard Valley, California, they discover that Ordinary Farm is, well, no ordinary farm.The bellowing in the barn comes not from a cow but from a dragon. The thundering herd in the valley? Unicorns. Uncle Gideon’s sprawling farmhouse never looks the same twice. Plus, there’s a flying monkey, a demon squirrel, and a barnload of unlikely farmhands with strange accents and even stranger powers.At first, the whole place seems like a crazy adventure. But when darker secrets begin to surface and Uncle Gideon and his fabulous creatures are threatened, Lucinda and Tyler have to pull together to take action. Will two ordinary kids be able to save the dragons, the farm – and themselves?

I thoroughly enjoyed this fun romp through fantasy land. Yes, there were some freaky/scary things going on, but the silliness made the book a delight. The absurdity and zaniness reminded me of the Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle books. The book is richer, more detailed and more complete. The mystery is light, but persistent and the hunt for answers is well worth the time.

2) Chocolate chip cookies

I specifically love the ones made by McDonald's; however, I'll eat any chocolate chip cookie. I prefer soft centers with a touch of crispy on the outside.

3) The children's program at our church

Our girls like going to church. They don't try to beg out of church, they don't whine and fuss when it's time for them to go downstairs with the other kids. They love the children's time during the main worship service and they understand what Miss Emily is saying to them. They are both pretty serious about God and ask me some pretty amazing questions.

Paying the Price

"The trick – well, the trick is to figure out what you want to do, work supremely hard, put it at the center of your life and pay the price for it all." Deborah Beale, author

Isn't that so true!!
You have to know what you want, and then decide the pain and work is worth fighting for what you want.
Is it worth it to have a job you hate to earn the money you need for the things you want?
Is it worth it to give up that job, have less, but have a job you like?
Is it worth it to spend time on the road away from family and home so that you can play music, or act?

What are you willing to pay to have what you want?

Time Change

Since the time change I've been staying up later and later...
I had been sleeping so well! And then we changed the time, and I swear it's just like jet lag.

I'm tired all the time again, and not sleeping at night.
Partly it's because of spring break. We are all home this week.
I don't have to get the girls to school. I don't have to get to work.
So, I'm staying up late and reading. Beading. Playing on the computer.
But I still blame the time change.

Here's the ridiculous thing:
I don't like to be tired.

You'd think by now I'd have it figured out- if I stay up too late, I'm tired.

Saturday Smiles

For the Bead Soup Blog Part post, go HERE.

*****

On Saturday I normally try and post a couple of things that have made me smile during the last week.

We've had an amazing week as far as seeing God's provision for us. We haven't had a nice car in a while. My husband tends to buy beaters, and then we run them into the ground. Our last car has been the worst... We called her Nikita because she obviously had a checkered past. Nikita has finally died, and when our mechanic told us what would be involved in fixing her, we realized it wasn't worth it this time around.

So, meet Sandy (as my girls have dubbed our new car). Sandy is a 2003 Toyota Corolla and a dream to drive. She came equipped with an auto start, so I can turn her engine on from inside the house and wait for her to warm up a bit in the cold weather. She drives smoothly, her engine is clean and she has a lot of room in the trunk and in the back seat. We're hoping she lasts a good long time.

The other thing I'm smiling about this week is Season 6 of Supernatural. We're currently watching it on DVD, and I'm so glad the show is not over! I honestly thought it would be after last season, with the death of one of the main characters. But Sam's back from hell and an angel civil war is proceeding apace. I enjoy the black humor of this horror-monster road-trip urban-legend show. I would have been very sad to see it over.

Also, I've been beading lately! Another reason to smile. I really haven't had the energy for much creative activity, but it's coming back. Slowly to be sure. But it's coming back.

Energy, Bead trays and Polymer Clay

For the Bead Soup Blog Party Post, go HERE.

*****

I feel like I'm coming out of a fog. It's been nine weeks since my surgery and I finally have energy.

Energy to play with the kids at recess.

Energy to plan fun things for Spring break next week.

Energy to care how the house looks.

Energy to care how I look.

Energy to be creative and spontaneous.

Energy to truly enjoy my girls.

Energy to create.

This is what's on my bead table right now- a collage- style green glass, ceramics and shell necklace. I'm still thinking about how it will go together- You are seeing just the preliminary lay-out. I tend to have an image or drawing in mind, then I lay out elements and play with them (moving them around, switching them, pulling out more stuff). Finally I put it all together.

My favorite thing right now is to combine different styles and methods (wire-work plus stringing, etc.) And making my own components really adds to the pleasure of creating.

This is what I'm working with on my component tray. Right now, I'm just working in polymer clay.

My surgery stole so much time and energy that I had to drop my metal-smithing class. I was terribly depressed at first, and then I chose to make it a good thing. I decided to focus on polymer clay for this semester to see if it's a medium I like. So far, so good. I haven't created anything yet with my components, but I'm going to soon.

Here you see a wing pendant and a butterfly pendant. They've been cooked and now they are waiting to be painted. The painting is my favorite part! I love adding individuality to each piece.

Reveal Day!- Water Lilies Necklace

Welcome to my blog! I am so excited to be part of Lori Anderson's Bead Soup Blog Party! In Lori's words, a concise explanation of the Bead Soup Blog Party: The premise of the blog hop is for two people to swap beads and then make something from those beads. The requirements are to send a focal, a special clasp, and some coordinating beads. The purpose is to stretch imaginations, incorporate beads from your current stash, and, in getting someone else's beads, work with things you may never have thought to use before.

My partner was the lovely and talented Sharon Driscoll. Look at the amazing bead soup she sent me! My favorite color combination is green and purple, and I was delighted to receive such a beautiful art bead. Her glass work is luminous. I loved the saturated colors in both the focal piece and in the accompanying round beads. She sent me such a fabulous bounty of beads- stones, and glass, and chain! It was a challenge to select just a few to work with for this piece. I have so many ideas for other pieces.

One of my favorite painters is Monet. I love the way he used light and color, and I find his work both exciting and peaceful. I saw the colors and textures of Monet's Water Lilies paintings in Sharon's focal piece, and found the bead truly beautiful. I wanted to focus in on the luminescent flowers and the surrounding green foliage.

I added flowers, some Swarovski crystals, two silver circles and a large Magnesite briolette. I laid out the necklace and then started constructing it from the art bead outwards. I wanted to focus in on the glass bead. However, I needed something heavy enough to make sure the necklace wouldn't slide around. It needed to compliment her bead while at the same time not competing with the central focus. I hope the briolette achieves those goals.

I wire-wrapped three flowers around the silver hoop to bring out the purple in the water-lily bead. And then wrapped a wire around another one Sharon's art beads.My last action was to string the crystals & stones and braid them lightly. When I was done, I had a much longer necklace than I normally construct; however, I think the length of the necklace balances the longer art bead.

At the end, I fought with the briolette a little- It didn't want to hang the way I wanted it to. It wanted desperately to hang sideways, but alas and sorrow to the briolette, I was victorious! And now it hangs quite nice and flat.

Thank you, Lori! I love your parties!!!

Here's the list of partners so you can continue on your blog hop.

Super 8 and Wolf's Cross

This week I have watched a movie and read a book which have caused me to take a look again at the nature of good and evil in people, and the reality of the grey.

SPOILER ALERT: If you don't want to know anything about Super 8 or Wolf's Cross, you might not want to read this post. However, I don't give answers away and I don't tell you what happens in the end.
*****

Wolf's Cross by S.A. Swann
From the back: Maria lives a simple life in a small Polish village, working for the lord of the nearby fortress. Motherless since birth, Maria has been raised by her father and stepmother. Around her neck she wears - as she has always worn - a silver crucifix, to protect her from the devil. Or so her father tells her.
But when a contingent of badly mauled Teutonic knights, including a handsome and gravely wounded young man named Josef, as for succor at the fortress, Maria's quiet and comfortable world shatters. For the knights are Wolfjagers, an order dedicated to the extermination of werewolves, and Maria, unknowingly, is one of the creatures they hunt. Only the crucifix about her neck prevents her body from changing into a lethal killing machine.
When Maria meets Darien, a wolfbreed bent on exacting a terrible revenge on humans, she will learn the truth about herself, and find her loyalties - and her heart - torn in two.

I enjoyed this vivid, paranormal adventure/romance very much. It's not the best werewolf story I've ever read, but it's certainly not the worst. My favorite part of this story was the multi-faceted character portrayal. Nobody was pure and innocent. Nobody was evil personified. The church was portrayed as having both people who struggle with the truth and strive to do right, and also close-minded ignorant bigots. I read about commoners who were nasty and others who were good-hearted. The nobles (often portrayed as arrogant and cruel) were responsible, thoughtful and aware of the needs of their servants. The three werewolves in the story all struggle with a vengeful desire for chaos and a passionate need for the safety of family and home.

I loved the fact that there were people I could relate to in this story- I struggle with wicked thoughts, yet seek to serve the true and pure.
There were no wicked sinners with hearts black as sin in this story, and no pure innocent shining saints. Instead, the characters fell in the grey middle.

Super 8
From Wikipedia: The film tells the story of a group of young teenagers who are filming their own Super 8 movie in a small town in 1979 when a train derails, releasing a dangerous presence into their town.

This movie is a little bit like a "What if!? What if E.T. arrived and the government captured the alien instead of letting him go? And what if they locked him up and experimented on him? And what if he was WAY bigger, stronger and scarier??"

Again, what I liked the most about this movie was that most of the characters were neither pure as snow nor grimy with evil-
The alien got angry and mean because of the experiments done to him and the years of prison-life.
The scientists & military agents wanted to know the truth and did not set out to turn the alien insane. Besides, one of the scientists knowingly commits suicide to set the alien free.
The kids do stupid selfish things, and wonderful sweet things.
The military personnel who come in to clean up the mess are probably the most unabashedly evil presence in the movie; however, one of the more important characters in the movie is a police officer who does both stupid, mean, selfish things and heroic crazy stunts.
Even the loser dad and the pot-head end up doing pretty cool amazing things.

I could relate to these people: the parents driven to find their missing kids, the teenage awkwardness and self-consciousness, the military terror towards the alien, the alien's need to go home.. I got what drove these characters and it wasn't clear-cut- it was all very grey.

I often want things to be more clear-cut, but a lot of the time they are not. A lot of time it's more grey. When the path is clear (stealing is a bad idea, it hurts me and the person who owns whatever I want. Murder is a bad idea, life is precious and needs to be protected), I can stick to the straight and narrow. But when it gets confusing, I have to pick my way through the grey as well.

Lori Anderson's Bead Soup Party

I got chosen!

I get to be part of Lori's Bead Soup Blog Party!!! I'm so excited!

Lori writes an awesome blog called Pretty Things, and she puts together this really cool Bead Blog Hop. She arranges for everyone to have the most amazing partners. Then we get to trade beads & make lovely pieces.

Can you tell I'm thrilled to be part of something so cool??!!

My partner this time is the talented and amazing Sharon Driscoll. Look at the beautiful soup she sent me!

She made that incredible focal bead- It's art glass, and I'm thrilled to be working with her bead. My favorite color combo is purple and green, and she sent so many lovely pieces. The large focal is going to be a challenge for me. Most of my work tends to be rather airy and light, and that bead is so earthy and rich. I'm looking forward to seeing what happens!

Come back for the big reveal on March 3rd!

Awesome Article by Lysa TerKeurst

I read this article today by Lysa Terquest, and was amazed at how much this sounds like my Deborah. She has always been the kid we couldn't persuade, bully or beg to do something when she refused. She is strong-willed and determined to an amazing degree. I really needed to read this and be reminded that I am not raising her for my convenience. I am raising her to be someone who follows God and listens to His voice.
*****

I Don't Want To Raise A Good Child
by Lysa TerKeurst


My daughter, Hope, is a senior this year. And she decided her senior year should be adventurous and a little out of the “normal” box. A lot out of the box actually.

She withdrew from traditional school. Applied with the state to homeschool. Enrolled in on-line college courses that would allow her to get both high school and college credit simultaneously. And planned to spend the month of January serving in Nicaragua doing missions.

This didn’t surprise me really. Because Hope has always liked charting her own course.

When she was really little I was scared to death I was the world’s worst mom, because Hope was never one to be contained. And I honestly thought all her extra tenacity was a sign of my poor mothering.

One day I took her to the mall to meet several of my friends with toddlers to grab lunch. All of their kids sat quietly eating cheerios in their strollers. They shined their halos and quoted Bible verses and used tissues to wipe their snot.

Not Hope.

She was infuriated by my insistence she stay in her stroller. So, when I turned away for a split second to place our lunch order, she wiggled free. She stripped off all her clothes. She ran across the food court. And jumped in the fountain in the center of the mall.

Really nothing makes the mother of a toddler feel more incapable than seeing her naked child splashing in the mall fountain. Except maybe that toddler refusing to get out and said mother having to also get into the fountain.

I cried all the way home.

Not because of what she’d done that day. But rather because of how she was everyday. So determined. So independent. So insistent.

I would beg God to show me how to raise a good child. One that stayed in her stroller. One that other people would comment about how wonderfully behaved she was. One that made me look good.

But God seemed so slow to answer those prayers. So, over the years, I changed my prayer. ”God help me to raise Hope to be who you want her to be.” Emphasis on, “God HELP ME!”

I think I changed my prayers for her because God started to change my heart. I started sensing He had a different plan in mind for my mothering of Hope.

Maybe God’s goal wasn’t for me to raise a good rule following child. God’s goal was for me to raise a God-following adult. An adult just determined and independent and insistent enough to fulfill a purpose He had in mind all along.

I don’t know what mama needs to hear this today. But let me encourage you from the bottom of my heart with 3 simple mothering perspectives you must hang on to:

1. Don’t take too much credit for their good.

2. Don’t take too much credit for their bad.

3. Don’t try to raise a good child. Raise a God-following adult.

And all the mamas of fountain dancing children said, “Amen!”

Personality Quirks

My husband has this 'thing'... A personality quirk, a habit, an annoyance... I'm not sure how to describe this 'thing'.

He will not buy a new or almost new car. No way, no how.

He got sucked into spending a ridiculous amount of money on a car back before he knew me, back when he was making ridiculously good money as a machinist. He spent and spent and spent on that car, and then changed jobs and was stuck with it for a very long time.

Consequently, WE will probably never purchase a car from a dealership.

In the 11 years we've been married we've had 10 or 11 cars. When the old car dies, Jake finds a car in the newspaper and we go track it down. The one we've got right now was purchased in a restaurant parking lot...

And it's dying. Like all of them. Each car has lasted a year, maybe two. Then we have to figure out some way of unloading it and getting into another half-dead car. And we don't know a Miracle Max...

He's owned ridiculous cars up here. A Dodge Omni with half a seat in the back (We have 2 children). A cadillac so old my mom might have been born in it. Cars that guaranteed there was no way I could drive around Fairbanks in the winter without a cell phone, just in case I have to call for somebody to come rescue me.

Don't get me wrong. I become kind of fond of each them. In a derogatory sort of way. I found myself rubbing the dash board of our current junker this week and whispering, "Come on, old girl, you can do it!" as we tried to merge with the traffic on the Expressway...

I love my Jake, but I wish he'd figure out a different method of dealing with transportation...

Recovering

Surgery recovery is going slowly.
I went back to work this week and every day I have come home and CRASHED. I've had a 2 to 4 hour nap every afternoon, and have been doing little else. Some reading after dinner, but that's about it.
I am looking forward to playing with some polymer clay when I feel better!

Ode to Sleeping Pills

Though I have tried, I have had no rest.
Last night I slept 8 hours straight-
Thank you, glowing wings of Lunesta.

Painting tiny little butterflies

Beth has started an Etsy shop to sell her Polymer clay beads. And if she has started making poly-beads, you can bet I've followed. Because it's fun!!

Right now, I'm working on a stash of pretty little painted butterflies to use in earrings or as pendants on a bracelet. I am delighted with their appearance, and am almost done. I've varnished the top to protect the paint and sparkles and now I need for it to dry so I can decide if I'll varnish the back as well.



At this moment, I am very pleased with them. I hope that continues all the way to the sticky-Varnish end. I will not be surprised if I realize I should have put the holes closer to the edge...

After surgery photo

I'm laying on the couch all sad and tired, when my littlest decides she wants to cuddle.

So we get her over & behind me (away from the incisions),

when my oldest decides she wants in on the cuddle action...

Except she didn't fit. Not with my stomach all messed up.

Jake kindly offered to take a photo in lieu of a couch cuddle.

Looking at this photo you'd think Jake told us to make silly faces!

But he just said 'Smile!'

Surgery Recovery

It's been a week and a half since my surgery and I am doing better.

The first week I was groggy, tired and in pain. I pretty much came down to eat, and stayed in bed the rest of the time. A couple days ago, I started to feel better and I'm doing pretty good now.

I've been to the grocery store and made it half-way through the trip! At that point my body said 'I'm done, take me home.' But I still had to walk out on my own power, AND I made it.

I'm still shaky and I have NO stamina. Taking a shower wears me out. Eating dinner wears me out. Painting little tiny butterflies wears me out.

The biggest complication I'm stuck with right now is that I'm not sleeping. I hope you understand, I don't mean I'm having a little insomnia. Or that I'm having to lay in bed for an hour or so to go to sleep... I'm NOT SLEEPING. Last night I went to sleep around 8 a.m., and slept till between noon and 2. I had been in bed for a very long time before I went to sleep...

I did some research and found out this is a fairly common side-effect of going off the vicodin. The withdrawal can cause fairly severe insomnia. Goody. Something new... Only it's not.

I've always had insomnia. Always. Mom has stories about me being a baby and a young child and not sleeping. This new insomnia is different, though. This isn't like my nice, friendly, rather tame insomnia. He's a nice puppy I cuddle, read books, and wrestle with, and then I lay down and get to sleep with him in about an hour.

No, this new insomnia is like some great mean polar bear. I am fighting this guy every night for HOURS. He sits on my chest and roars at me for HOURS. I can't even tell myself nice stories or create little day-dreams. Nope, this bear is too loud- roaring, "You can't sleep, 'cuz I'm not lettin' ya'! Give it up! Ha-Ha-HAAAA!"

So, not only am I tired from surgery recovery, I'm also tired from Vicodin withdrawal. Remind me to never accept Vicodin after surgery again. This is ridiculous.

Surgery Tomorrow

Warning: I've got a couple of male readers- this post may make you uncomfortable. I'm sorry... You probably already noticed I'm female, but tonight I'm gonna focus on the consequences of me being female. The sum up for you is that I'm having a major surgery tomorrow, I'm not really happy about it, but I'm sure I'm making the right choice.

I have severe endometriosis, which is a nasty immune system disease. Endo basically means that the internal parts that make me a woman (uterus and ovaries), are messed up and flow backwards. Which means endometrial tissue ends up outside of the uterus and ovaries, where it forms cysts which bleed and hurt. I've had numerous cysts, three surgeries to remove them, plus ridiculous pain. I have ulcers from taking pain medication because of the endo. I am pretty much always anemic because I have severely heavy periods. My periods are normally heavy and close together, but for the last four or five months I've had a period every other week. I'm so very tired all the time...

After working with my gynecologist, I've made the decision to have a full hysterectomy- removing everything- uterus, ovaries. Obviously, we expect this to stop the overwhelming periods. But we are also hoping this alleviates the crazy pain I experience regularly.

I wasn't ready to stop having kids. I know I'm 40, but I wanted another baby and we have been trying for a while to get pregnant. Not happening...
It's very hard to lose the hope for another child. It is unlikely I could get pregnant again, since I was originally told I would probably never have children. Our girls are amazing miracles. However, a hysterectomy means no way, no how are we having another baby. And I'm very sad right now.... I'm really struggling with the consequences of this choice...

I am making the right decision, but it isn't the decision I wanted. I originally had wanted 6 kids. Crazy, huh? Growing up my favorite home to visit was my Aunt Cary's. She had 6 kids, and there was always somebody to do something with- we got into so much fun with them. That's what I wanted when I made my own family- 6 kids, sheer chaos. And then I was diagnosed with Endometriosis...

And told I wouldn't have kids at all. The fact that God gave me two should be enough, right? I had two miracles. And I want more. I want to be satisfied with what I have, and not be fighting so hard against this loss. I want to know this is right and be content with what needs to happen.

I know this will alleviate my symptoms- extreme pain, bleeding, cystic growth, anemia. I know my life will be a lot easier in many ways.

God, please help me accept and be content with this surgery. Help me recover quickly. Thank you that I am never alone, that you are always with me.