Monday, December 26, 2011

Surgery Tomorrow

Warning: I've got a couple of male readers- this post may make you uncomfortable. I'm sorry... You probably already noticed I'm female, but tonight I'm gonna focus on the consequences of me being female. The sum up for you is that I'm having a major surgery tomorrow, I'm not really happy about it, but I'm sure I'm making the right choice.

I have severe endometriosis, which is a nasty immune system disease. Endo basically means that the internal parts that make me a woman (uterus and ovaries), are messed up and flow backwards. Which means endometrial tissue ends up outside of the uterus and ovaries, where it forms cysts which bleed and hurt. I've had numerous cysts, three surgeries to remove them, plus ridiculous pain. I have ulcers from taking pain medication because of the endo. I am pretty much always anemic because I have severely heavy periods. My periods are normally heavy and close together, but for the last four or five months I've had a period every other week. I'm so very tired all the time...

After working with my gynecologist, I've made the decision to have a full hysterectomy- removing everything- uterus, ovaries. Obviously, we expect this to stop the overwhelming periods. But we are also hoping this alleviates the crazy pain I experience regularly.

I wasn't ready to stop having kids. I know I'm 40, but I wanted another baby and we have been trying for a while to get pregnant. Not happening...
It's very hard to lose the hope for another child. It is unlikely I could get pregnant again, since I was originally told I would probably never have children. Our girls are amazing miracles. However, a hysterectomy means no way, no how are we having another baby. And I'm very sad right now.... I'm really struggling with the consequences of this choice...

I am making the right decision, but it isn't the decision I wanted. I originally had wanted 6 kids. Crazy, huh? Growing up my favorite home to visit was my Aunt Cary's. She had 6 kids, and there was always somebody to do something with- we got into so much fun with them. That's what I wanted when I made my own family- 6 kids, sheer chaos. And then I was diagnosed with Endometriosis...

And told I wouldn't have kids at all. The fact that God gave me two should be enough, right? I had two miracles. And I want more. I want to be satisfied with what I have, and not be fighting so hard against this loss. I want to know this is right and be content with what needs to happen.

I know this will alleviate my symptoms- extreme pain, bleeding, cystic growth, anemia. I know my life will be a lot easier in many ways.

God, please help me accept and be content with this surgery. Help me recover quickly. Thank you that I am never alone, that you are always with me.

3 comments:

Kathy said...

Becca, thinking of you. Praying that your physical pain will be relieved with this surgery and that your emotional pain will be comforted by those surrounding you and by the ultimate healer.

Lori Anderson said...

I totally understand. When I stood by myself getting undressed for surgery, I totally broke down.

I was 37, and knew I could only have the one baby (had him via in vitro, very expensive) but I hated having that DECISION taken away from me.

BUT. The good side is, you'll feel so much better. I do, and Zack is all I could ever hope for.

Much love to you!

becca said...

Kathy & Lori-
Thank you for your thoughts, prayers and understanding.
This was such a hard decision, but I know it was the right one. I've got a complete of things that have helped in my acceptance level in the last week and a half.

First, my uterus was completely covered in cystic endometrial growth, my ovaries were stuck to the uterus with more endometrial mess, and the fallopian tubes were twisted and closed. No wonder we couldn't get pregnant again, and no wonder I hurt so much!

Second, although I'm taking some pain meds I'm down to just the horse-sized Ibuprofen, and all the pain is located in a place it wasn't before (around the large incision).
Which means that I'm experiencing none of the pain I've had on the left side of my tummy for about 15 years.
NONE of it. 'Cuz that nasty mess is gone!