I've been struggling with what we're supposed to be doing lately... It's been something going on in the back of my mind for a long time, but there's more pressure right now.
It's summer. That's when Alaska comes to life. We all work like crazy ants running around. Kind of like we've only got 6 months of sun to squeeze 12 months of projects, playing and life into...
Since Jake's accident and his subsequent loss of insurance we're both very unhappy with his job. He's applied for a couple of different jobs in town and been turned down for various reasons.
There's very little I can do at our church right now.
I'm helping out with youth, but their main focus is on Friday nights. Fridays are a really hard day for me, 'cuz Jake always wants to do something... Plus, I hate big group stuff, especially when I don't know very many people. I'd much rather hang out with just a few students, or teach a Bible study, or lead a small group of young women. The youth guy has the focus on playing games and then a big teaching time. Not the best way to develop relationships.
They just don't need me for drama- they've got someone who's supposed to be in charge of the drama program they're starting (she's not doing much, IMO, but she's the one the pastor wants).
They don't need me for music- the worship guy has the team he wants and doesn't care for djembe.
They don't need me for children's choir- they've only started up a program in the last 2 years and all they're doing right now is a Christmas musical.
They need people in the children's program, but after running that full time I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it's not where my heart & joy is focused. I don't want to plant myself there when I don't enjoy it, even if I can do it.
I guess the sum up is I don't feel necessary at our church. I'm sure this is where God has us at this time, but I don't see this as a long term thing.
I'm tired of living in my mom's house. At first I knew it would be until Jake finished school, so I could handle it for a little while. But that little while has turned into 5 years. And Jake has pulled out of school.
As much as I love my mom and sister, I'm ready for us to be on our own. And we can't afford it with the job Jake has... I'd have to work again... I'm not against this, I just wanted to wait until the girls are both in school. I really think little ones need their mom (or a dad for that matter... I don't have any strong feelings about it being a mom or a dad, I just think little ones need the stability of having one parent with them all the time). My mom couldn't watch them while I have a full time job- her health is just not good enough.
I think we've done as much recovering from our nasty church experience as we can at this point... We've watched our old church hemorrhage out families from the gaping wound this new pastor has caused... I wish we could do something, but at this point the best thing for us to do is just pray for them, and we do.
At first, I NEVER wanted to work for a church again. I don't know where Jake is in this process. We've both been called into FT ministry. Neither one of us has a clue what that can possibly look like now. It's hard to trust any church wholeheartedly now... I can trust God, though. I can trust that He can use this for his plan- that He can take anything sick, nasty, and 'religious' and make it into a beautiful, awesome and glorious display of his grace, love and mercy.
I'm ready for a major change. I don't know what that change should entail:
Moving out of Alaska.
Serving in a church.
Serving as a missionary overseas.
I don't know.
But, wow. I'm ready for things to change. I'm so ready!
God, give me the patience to wait for your plan, and the courage to grab hold when I see your plan come together. Please give Jake & me eyes to see what you're doing. Please give us ears to hear your voice. Please give us the strength to wait. Please give us the strength to act. Show us what we must change and do to follow the path you have for us. And whatever might be holding us back- make it apparent and clear so that we can change.
And so it goes.
3 months ago