Monday, June 23, 2008

Thoughts on Suicide

I don't want to get home (heaven) and have God show me how much He had waiting for me that I never knew about... I don't want to say to Him that living for Him wasn't enough.
I've experienced depression for periods in my life, disatisfaction that overwhelms and colors everything, leaching out all joy.
I've thought of suicide at three times in my life- during those horrid 7th & 8th grade years where I was so lonely in the village and then so miserable coming back to Fairbanks; during the time right after I moved to Texas (I'm so thankful God had told me I'd be horribly lonely I'd be, 'cuz I was at least prepared for how hard the first few months were); and the first few weeks right after Deborah was born (if you don't believe in post-partum depression, you're totally missing all the clinical evidence).
These were times when I honestly thought it would be better for everyone if I just wasn't there. By God's grace & provision I was shown that I was needed. Or else I was too scared of pain to try it when I was too young to be solid in my faith...
My cousin Debbie either committed suicide or was assisted... No one is sure- there are some indicators that a 'friend' helped her and some that she did it by herself. She either jumped off or was pushed off a high Oregon cliff overlooking the ocean.
I have many memories of her.
She was beautiful with dark hair and eyes. Tall & slender. She was sweet and surprisingly patient with us little ones. She was seven or eight years older than me and died when I was 12.
I remember her doing my hair all up in little braids. She did all our hair, and then we did a fashion show for everyone.
I remember her creating a game for all us kids called 'Indian Pow-wow'. We'd all sit in a circle and cross our legs indian style. Then everybody got to suggest three different games for us all to play. We'd play whatever got the most votes... She developed Indian Pow-wow 'cuz all the cousins were such different ages and we all wanted to play such different games. I don't even know where she got the idea, but I still use it in my teaching. Maybe not the name itself, but the concept of everyone having the opportunity to say what they want.
I remember her coloring. She was so good at it! She'd create textures and patterns on the clothes of the characters.
It makes me sad to think of how much life she missed. Debbie was a believer and she knew that God was in control. I think that her life got to be too much for her. There were several very hard things about her life.
I miss her! I miss that I didn't get to know her as an adult. I miss that I didn't get to spend time with her and love her as an adult. I miss seeing what her life would have been.
I don't want my sister to commit suicide. It makes me so angry to even think of it! I don't want her to waste the incredible talents God has lavished on her... Her writing and beading and painting. Her fiber art, and eye for beauty. I'm jealous of her creativity.
I don't want to lose her.
I don't want her to not be part of my life.
I don't want her to be gone from my girls' lives.
I want to share books with her, and beading, and Farmer's Market. Movies, and reunions. I want to grow old with her, and see what she paints when she's fifty. I want to see her going to church with me. I want to see her happy. I love her so much.
I'm so mad at her!
How dare she think it's okay to leave me. She promised me she wouldn't kill herself. She promised me that if it ever got this bad again she'd tell me. She didn't tell me. She didn't tell anyone.
Her love for me wasn't enough to stop her.
Her love for the girls wasn't enough to stop her.
Her belief in God's plan wasn't enough to stop her.
I need her.
I need her to be herself.
I need her to be happy again.
I need her to be the beautiful person God made her to be...
I'm so conflicted- angry, sad, broken...
God, help. Please heal Beth's heart and help her to feel again. Help her to see how much she is loved. Help her to see your plan for her life. Help her to see that you are enough for her- for every need, every hurt, every emptiness. Love on her.

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