Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Feeling Blue

Well, Jake is gone again. Only overnight this time and I'm hoping that tomorrow morning isn't like last week... I knew that the girls and I relied heavily on him, but I had no idea everything pretty much fell apart with him gone!
I grew up with a largely absent father- my Dad worked for the Bureau of Land Management and he'd be on the field for long stretches of time. During the summer he'd only come home on the odd weekend or so. He worked as a forester tagging trees in Oregon and then as a botanist in California. He had some real fun stories of coming up on marijuana fields growing out in the middle of the desert!
Anyway, my mom did most of the work of raising my sister and me. I don't know how she did it! She taught 4's & 5's Sunday School, had friends, ran a daycare out of her home... How on earth did she have a life when my Dad was gone something like 9 months out of the year?
There is no way I could do all the things she did!
My mom has commented to me a couple times that I shouldn't rely on Jake's assistance and intervention with the girls as much as I do.... That everything shouldn't completely fall apart with him gone. Maybe she's right. I don't know. But I do know I resented my father for being absent so much of the time. I do know that the relationship my girls have with Jake is precious and valuable to me. I know that little girls need their daddy. I know that I needed mine more than he was available.
I hate the idea of not relying on Jake! Of being completely strong enough to stand on my own without him... Isn't that what being married is about? Becoming 'one'? I'm not sure that co-dependency is actually all that bad... I think there's a certain amount of depending on each other that has to happen.
I read this book that described three different marriages- the first was the 'A' type. Like the two sides of the letter A, two people lean on each other and would fall without the other. The second was a letter that when cut apart would form two completely self-sufficient letter- I think it was 'W', which would then make 2 V's. The third was an 'H' marriage- two parts that don't lean on each other, but are not complete without the other. I liked the comparison very much. I am not complete without Jake here. I am capable. I am intelligent. I can do a ton of things without Jake. I'm an excellent teacher, and I hope I'm a good mother. However, I'm sad with him gone for one night! But I can carry on without him. I know we'll be okay- just sad...

1 comment:

Keasley said...

Hi Becca,
I understand how you feel. My hubby works a few 12 hours shifts at night - and on those nights, I feel incomplete, too. I think we might be an H, but I'd be okay if our relationship was an A - we lean on each other a lot.