Saturday, April 28, 2007

Meloncholy and Confused

I went to a reunion tonight- the UAF theatre department's 50th anniversary of doing theatre. I got to see a play ('Picnic' by William Inge, fantastic acting, good set and lighting and costumes, and BONUS - I liked the play), taste a little wine (a white zinfandel-very good, one of the few wines I've actually liked), see a few people I knew (about 7 of us from the mid 90's), and see a bunch of older people who were reminiscing about the 'good old days'. People flew from outside to come to this event...

And now I'm all meloncholy... I miss doing theatre! I miss plays. I LOVE the smell of stage lights and paint and the dusty storage areas. I miss rehearsals. I miss green rooms. I got to walk on the stage I spent so much time on, and see how little it's changed, and think about how much I've changed.

What on earth am I doing here? Yes, there was a time in my life when all I wanted was to go to NY and try to 'make it'. I didn't care if it was off-off Broadway or some little dive. I just wanted to make a living doing what I loved. I'm not the kind of person who can live off of tuna, and I'd probably make a terrible waiter, but I could be a very good receptionist. Especially if I was able to do what I loved part of the time...

Then God said, 'NO'. Very loudly and very clearly. (If you've never heard Him, I promise you- when He speaks, you know it's Him. There's very little uncertainty. I wish He chose to do it that way all the time...) And He sent me off to seminary...

What on earth was He thinking? Did He know where I'd be right now?? What a waste of a good education. (as our last pastor said, and what a waste of an education on a woman...) What a ridiculous amount of debt I racked up in my time in Fort Worth. I wish I could see some of what He saw when He sent me there...

I saw some folks tonight who are doing it. They've been in movies, in Broadway productions, in paid gigs doing professional theatre... I didn't want to take that away from them, but I wish I knew what I WAS doing.

God, I'm so tired of waiting. I feel like I've been waiting for the last four years. Please direct us to Your plan. I know you've got one. It's just so hard right now. I will trust You. I will choose Your plan over my own. I know You are doing something in my life and in Jake's life. Please continue Your work- Just don't leave us like this forever... It's hard to wait on you without hope. Please fill us with Your hope.

1 comment:

The Renzntzman said...

I know how you feel.