Well, yes and no... He is the one person I can yell at and then go to bed with... :)
That aside... We are having some major conflict right now regarding, you guessed it, money.
We will be getting a good tax return and Jake wants to use the money to get us into an apartment of our own. (I do like the idea, I'm not insane! Yes, I want my own space BADLY. As much as I love my mom and sister, I'm tired of the whole situation, and would really prefer to be queen of my castle.) However, we have some old big bills that we could pay off instead, which would then give us freedom in the future... That's what I'd like to do. So there's the first part of the conflict...
We've been sort of talking about moving out of Alaska this summer, too, which I WANT. Underline that. Highlight it. Bold and capitalize it. I WANT OUT OF ALASKA!!! (Isn't it funny that I'm from here, and Jake loves it... ) However, Jake just got this REALLY good promotion and if we'd stick around for a while it would open some good job possibilities, either in the whole Kroger conglomeration or out of it. So, it makes sense to stick around another winter.
But AAAAARGH!!! I don't want another Winter- I want out so bad I'm having dreams about U-Hauls..
So, do we stay or do we go now? Well, it makes sense to stay another winter (although it's making my blood turn to ice to say it.) So, I'm pretty much slowly accepting that we will be staying here next winter, and there are some good things about that...
But, do we get our own place or save money one more year? That's the big conflict now... And there are so MANY parts to this. Jake really doesn't make enough money for us to live on our own, but I'm feeling pretty strongly about raising my own kids. There are several parts to be a 'homemaker' that I HATE, but the girls need me right now. I think I'm willing to do a part time job, but I don't know.
Also, it looks like the whole beading gig thing may actually start to be returning money, and it would be cool to hang around another year and see if it starts happening. (which would be nice, 'cuz so far it's been pretty much a giant sucking money hole- a lot of fun, but certainly not income).
I do not want another year without a strong church base, too. I need those relationships. I need to be growing in Bible study. I need koinonia. I need to be serving. My girls need Sunday School and Bible stories and church friends... Jake needs all this, too. And I don't want to go without it. We've been 'attending' this non-denominational church, which means we go about 3 out of every 4 services, and we kinda like it... Deborah & Abigail LOVE it. They've got great kids programs and Deborah's in a class with just 3 year olds. She has good lessons and comes out talking about her class and their crafts and songs. Abigail gets to play with and beside other 1 1/2 year olds. But the church is sizeable for Fairbanks, about 600, with 3 different services and you can easily go and never really get to know anybody, which is what we need. So, do we commit here and join a Bible study home group? Or do we find a smaller church where we get to do stuff with the worship and youth? What do we do? Hard to decide right now when we're both still feeling battered.
We're NOT looking for the perfect church. There's no such thing. We're not looking for a church that 'feels right'. That's pretty self-focused. We're not looking for a church with a great band and fantastic worship, although we do care about those things... We're looking for the church where God wants us. And feeling confused about that. Anyway, that's another part of the conflict... Which church does God want us in?
So, Jake and I have to come to some kind of an agreement... And right now I don't know how that's gonna happen. I'm glad God does!! I know He's still sovereign, and He's still got a plan for our lives, and that He's making us more like Him.
And so it goes.
3 months ago