Memory by Lois McMaster Bujold

I ‘ve been re-reading the Miles Vorkosigan series (space opera stuff), and recently got to Memory… I was surprised at how much it struck me this time around. As much as I’ve enjoyed these I’ve never particularly related to Miles- he’s a rather extreme personality, very physically handicapped by a “Terrible Thing” that happened while his mom was pregnant, desperate for a part in the military, and he thrives on spy work with a high degree of danger.

Some Background: Miles was born on Barrayar, a VERY class conscious and structured society. He’s Vor- High class, one of the few wealthy and controlling families, and has been raised with a high-level of responsibility and pressure. His dad has been the regent for the child emperor until he was old enough to take his proper place and Miles was raised with him. Through many compelling circumstances Miles is prevented from joining the military and subsequently invents a character “Admiral Naismith of the Dendaari Merchant Marines”, assumes this personality for field ops and then successfully convinces the Barrayaran government to secretly sponsor/fund the group he ends up taking over. Almost impossible to quickly explain his adventures!!

Anyway, in the book right before Memory (Mirror Dance), Miles is in a serious accident, develops a seizure disorder, and then attempts to hide it so that he can continue having this wonderful escape as this crazy military leader. In Memory, his superiors find out about his seizure disorder, that he officially lied about it, and someone almost died because of it.. They remove him from the work he loves- the covert ops and spy work he’s done through the Dendaari Military group. So, this wonderful escape outlet from the constrained and rigidly limited world he grew up on is terminated.

Yikes. This time around I was shocked at how much the loss of Admiral Naismith struck me- I could relate to having a part of my personality killed… I’m amazed at how much I desperately miss traveling with Company and doing full-time acting/teaching/ministry work. Nothing else will ever completely satisfy a part of my heart…

During the summer of ’97, I got my first opportunity to tour full-time with Company. I remember working my tail off, missing sleep, eating at weird times and eating odd meals- Most importantly, I remember writing a thank you note to Dennis, the leader of the Company, and telling him that this was the first time I had known beyond a shadow of a doubt I was doing exactly what God made me to do, made me to be. I loved the rehearsal & performing schedule. I loved the impromptu-ness of the whole thing… “Here we go to Kalamazoo, and we perform this, and then we’re off to Paris, and we perform these things…”

I have loved leading worship and working for churches. I’ve loved working in music and children’s ministry, but I’ve never again felt that sense of “this is why God made me the way I am” that I did while traveling with Company. I wish to have that experience again- and I don’t necessarily mean traveling with a group like that. Just the sense that I’m exactly where God wants me and I’m using the gifts and experiences He’s given me to the fullest extent possible. I’m not craving the lack of sleep or the lack of proper nutrition! (The older I get, the more like a baby I am about those things…)

I'm not craving the crazy side effects. I’m craving the work that God made me to do… This entire person within me that’s felt dead since moving away from Fort Worth…

Amazing what reading a book that has absolutely nothing to do with me can bring up in my emotional recall and experience…

God, put me where you want me to be! I want to be doing the work you made me to do. Please give me patience as I wait on your plan...