Aaaah! It's 5:45 a.m. and I'm awake again!!! (that sin thing, you know...)
Okay, I will not be sarcastic. I will say that worrying is a sin. I'll go with that. I don't know that I'm actually worrying per-se... But I am mighty fretful. I am incredibly depressed about being stuck up here for another winter when I had totally and completely prepared myself for the move down south. I'd mourned moving from Fairbanks and emotionally dealt with losing my mom's house and some other stuff (great library, school I grew up in, friends, aurora...) that was really important to me and here we are... Stuck in Fairbanks for another winter... What on earth is God doing??? I know my Mom was pretty messed up for a month, but that isn't the only reason she has dragged this whole process out. She seems to be really terrified of making a step this big. She's lived in Alaska since '83.... You'd think that would just make her more ready to split. But, no...
Also, I am fretting about our church... I know I need to just let this go, but it's so hard for me to do that... I tend to worry, worry, worry, over things like a dog on a bone, or the ocean rubbing away at the cliffs in Oregon, or Niagara taking out chunks of the earth beneath itself... I'm trying to figure out what God wants of me, whether worship leadership is something He put before me or something I put before me. It's something I truly love, but I know people who love espressos, and chocolate, and beer- doesn't mean they're good for you..
I found this web-site called Christians for Biblical Equality, and they used the same verses my pastor used (1 Cor. & 1 Tim.) and talked about the cultural context, plus brought up Mr. Page Patterson- the guy we Southwestern graduates all love dearly. Interesting stuff. The authors there claim that these passages cannot be pulled out of their cultural context and that they do not mandate that women hold no authority over men. That they are referring to a specific time and situation where some women were being incredibly disruptive in the worship setting. Am I choosing to agree with this site 'cuz it fits in with my "world view"? Or as my pastor would say, "you just want that to be true, so you choose to agree with it. But that isn't what the Bible says."
God, help me stop worrying over this bone! I'm just pulling the ground out from under myself. Would you please give me clarity in this. Please guide us QUICKLY to another church.
6 days ago