I have let God do something to me over the last few months that now is driving me crazy! I have completely given over my reading to Him, and He keeps telling me not to read stuff... Aargh!!!
I had the opportunity the Beth Moore Bible study When Godly People do UnGodly Things with a couple friends, and it was wonderful. If you've never read one of her books or done one of her studies, I highly recommend them. They're excellent. (One note: if you're from the West or Northwest, her hair is a little difficult to overcome... She's from Texas, and as you know, everything in Texas is big, including women's hair. The first time I watched one of her videos, I spent the entire evening after talking to my sister about how shocking her hair is...)
Here's an exceprt from the cover of the book: In the midst of the winds of evil currently blowing in our world today, Christians will do well to remember that the Evil One still lurks, waiting to seduce those who belong to the Lord, seeking to destroy the testimony of their walk with God. Writing with a passion fueled by the biblical warnings of the schemes of Satan's seductive activity and the broken-hearted concern of a teacher who receives countless letters from repentant Christians limping on the road to restoration, best-selling author Beth Moore examines why devoted followers of Christ indeed can and sometimes do fall into the traps of Satan. Delivering dire warnings to Christians to safeguard themselves against Satan's attacks, Beth writes, "We, Christ's church are in desperate need of developing His heart and mind in issues like these."
In the book, she talks about the desires of the roaring lion to exact revenge on God by wreaking havoc on His children, about her own experience with Satan's schemes, and how to deal with the attacks of the enemy. Repentance and restoration is her goal, and the book is excellent. Yeah, it's heavy and dark, but it's fantastic and, as far as I'm concerned, she's right on the money with her interpretation of the rising level of evil angst attacking God's children.
So, anyway, as part of the book she talks about protecting yourself from unGodly influences and making wise and discerning choices about the media we put into our hearts and minds so that we can have seduce-proof lives. I watch very little TV, and very little in the way of movies, just haven't got the time or the money. I'm not making a conscious choice to avoid them. It just hasn't worked out to watch anything. Last movie I saw in the theater was The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. I used to love CSI, and watch it and the missing person show (never can remember the name of the show...) every Thursday night, and I used to be a huge ER and Friends fan, so it's not that I'm thinking TV is bad. I just don't have time.
Anyway, God really convicted me big time about what I read while I was doing the Bible study. He convicted me that I need to be more careful, so I've been letting Him tell me whether or not I can read a book, and it's driving me crazy.
I have NEVER been censored in what I read. I read like a maniac, and I read pretty much every genre there is except true crime stuff and biographies. I love comic books, and have read Witchblade, X-Men stuff, New Mutants... a broad variety of 'em. I read mostly fantasy & sci-fi, but I enjoy other stuff also- horror, mysteries, "popular" authors.... I've now had to put down books 'cuz God tells me to stop. Last time I went to the library I only got 6 books (and 2 were Philip Yancey)! I normally walk out with ten or fifteen... Recently, I got this good fantasy book from the library, Birthright, (can't remember the author), I got 5 or 6 chapters into it and God just said, "Stop", I was like "What?", and he told me (not in words, mind you, but I knew what He was saying), "I told you not to get this one, and you ignored me, now you have to stop after you started." Which I hate doing, and is very hard for me. I know part of why He wanted me to stop- there was a bunch of nazi-feminist stuff and I tend to come out of those books really angry at men in general, and my husband in particular.
Here's the thing: I KNOW that everything God does is for my own good. That when He doesn't want me to read a book, it's 'cuz something in it is bad for me, and will bug me or make me an angry, bitchy woman... But I HATE giving somebody else, even God, control over this. What I read is MY OWN BUSINESS. This is one of those huge big rooms in my house that I really don't want God touching. And I KNOW that's why God wants control of it. He wants to clean it up and protect me from myself. And I don't want Him to. I want to read what I want to read. This is really the closest I get to having an "addiction". This is my escape, where I let off a lot of my angst, where I hid in school when we had to keep moving and I didn't have many friends... This is my safety zone, and God is saying I've got to let Him be my safety zone. Aargh!
So, I'm working on it. I'm trying to let Him have control over this area of my life, and it's hard.
God, I want your way, your will. Giving you control over my reading feels like You are cutting the me out of me. Your cutting is getting down to the bone, and it hurts. But I want Your plan for me, and I want to have my desires be Your desires. God, Help!
And so it goes.
4 months ago