3 Pregnancies

I had my annual 'fun' visit with the gynecologist last week, and was thrown for a loop.

I did the questionnaire thingy at the beginning.
One of the questions was 'How many pregnancies have you had?' I said 2.
'How many live births?' I said 2.
Then, it asked 'How many miscarriages have you had?' I said 1.

When the nurse came in and saw that, she corrected my 2 pregnancies to 3.

She was right. I realized I had 3 pregnancies.

I almost started crying right there.
Not that I didn't know I lost a baby, or that I was pregnant.
I just hadn't had it all listed out like that before and I found it shocking.

Really, I'm okay.
Sad. But okay.

The miscarriage still feels kind of dream-like. I know so few people REALLY, and told so few in person... I blogged about it, but really haven't TALKED to anyone about it.

I lost a baby. I don't know how heaven works really, and if she'll be there (I think she was a girl. I don't know this. I just think it.) And really, if there was something terribly wrong with her, and she would have been in a lot of pain it's better that she just go on home and wait for me to get there.

But, oh. It makes me sad right now.
I would have been about five months pregnant right now, and feeling little butterfly kicks.

God, you know what's best. But I don't understand everything right now. I want to trust you.