Amnesia

We watched some of Grey's Anatomy 3rd season on DVD while beading. They've had this repeat character, 'Ava', who has amnesia. She was in a ferry boat accident and when she finally woke up she didn't know her name, who she was, where she was from, any of her history.
And it got me thinking.

I've never woken up without my name.

In my traveling days I would often waking up not knowing where I was, who was in the hotel bed with me (yes, I've 'slept' with many people, and yes, it was all SLEEPING. I traveled in college with a drama team, and I traveled with the Company, and a couple of choirs. So, sometimes I'd wake up and not know who was in the bed with me...), or what the day was going to be like; however, I've never woken up without my name.

I know who I am. I'm Rebecca Lyn Emery Sirevaag. I was born in Oregon and grew up in Oregon, southern California and Alaska. I went to UAF and graduated with a BA in Theatre and a minor in music. I'm many things- a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a writer, a teacher, an actor, a jewelry maker, a poet, a singer... The list goes on an on...

Driving home from dropping off Abigail at school I realized something kind of mind blowing.
As confident as I am of my NAME, that's how confident I should be of Jesus' love for me. His love should be as intrinsically a part of me as my name, as my identity. I do not need to question His love. It is constant. More reliable than my name. More constant than my family. Stronger than time. Larger than the sky. More powerful and deep than the ocean.

I want that knowledge to seep into my bones. To seep into my skin. To be more decisive than my name. I don't want to have 'amnesia' about this, to forget who I am in Him...

I do NOT understand everything God has done, is doing, will do... I do not understand His choices. Why we my husband and I are here, doing what we are doing. I do not understand so many things about His will that my list would be endless. WWII & the concentration camps, the Trail of Tears, the Spanish Inquisition, why some of the children I've worked with were horribly abused, why my cousin and grammy died of cancer, why loved ones have struggled with addiction and depression... I do not understand these things.

I do not understand how love could allow so much evil. I cannot see how it is more loving to give us the choice to screw up the world as effectively as we have... I'm learning to trust that His power allows Him to say that removing the choice between good & evil would be more horrendous than allowing us to abuse each other. Some days I don't get this, and I probably won't until I'm on the other side sitting in front of Him.

I do not understand the power of His love or what He has done for that love. But I can say without question He is love.

Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me so (and my skin and the sky and my children)
Little ones to Him belong (and next to Him, we are all little)
They are weak, but He is strong
Yes, Jesus loves me,
Yes, Jesus loves me,
Yes, Jesus loves me,
The Bible tells me so.