Tonight my heart is lonely.
I'm so tired of being isolated and feeling alone.
I HATE not doing acting right now- feels like I've put my heart on the shelf for a while.
My girls are absolutely precious to me- they are a delight and an amazing gift, but I'm so tired of not getting to do any acting because of needing to be at home for them.
If I didn't have them I would be doing shows.
Well, who knows. If I didn't have them, I'd probably still be teaching in Seattle, and I never felt okay about auditioning for shows there. I looked at some of the audition notifications and always felt very much an audition virgin. I HATE auditions. I've done them. I'll continue to do them (I hope), but I hate them. I let my fear cause me to miss out. Oh, yeah. And I had just gotten married, and started teaching full time. But still. I wish I'd done some auditions there. I wish I'd gone ahead and just tried out for one show. Gotten accepted for one show.
I would not wish my girls away for the world, for Broadway, for roles in movies. Sorry. They are way more important to me than any potential acting job I might have had. But, man, I miss acting.
I miss rehearsals. I miss actor camaraderie. I miss getting annoyed by people who messed up. I miss messing up my own lines! I miss proving to myself that I could do it.
And damn, but I miss my Company friends. I miss feeling like I was exactly where God wanted me. I miss feeling like I was doing what God created me to do.
Yeah, he created me to be a mommy. And I love it. But I feel like I need something more right now...
And so it goes.
3 months ago