Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Mommy Blues

I have a terrible truth to admit- I hate being a stay-at-home Mommy... This does not mean I don't love my girls. I do, more than I imagined I would. More than I thought it was really possible to love them. I love playing with them, I enjoy the sweetness of holding Abigail and feeding her a bottle as she goes to sleep at night. I love watching Deborah figure something new out. The girl is smart, and she loves learning and trying new things. I like feeding Abigail and I like making food for Deborah, I like giving them baths, I like playing with them, and if you've never heard the deep belly laughs of a baby you haven't really lived.

(I will never forget the first time Deborah saw a dog play. She was about 9 months old and we were at a friend's house. Three dogs were playing together, chasing each other and tugging on toys and she just started belly chuckling. She laughed that deep wonderful baby laugh for about 20 minutes straight while they swarmed around under her. It was so wonderful to hear her... I still smile when I remember that night).

Hating being a stay-at-home Mom does not mean I think nobody should do it or that there is not any value in it. I have a couple of friends who really enjoy their "job" of being a stay-at-home Mommy, and they consider themselves household managers. They enjoy most every part of staying home and making their house a home. My problem seems to be that I hate all the other trappings involved- I HATE housework. Let me say that again. I HATE housework. In fact, I could probably make this into a little song- "Oh, I hate housework, let me tell you how I hate it, Let me count the ways, Oh, I hate housework, it makes me hate my days."

I hate doing dishes, I hate picking up everybody's junk, I HATE doing laundry, which is sad, 'cuz I used to really like it until we had the girls. I do not like vaccuuming, I do not like washing floors, I hate cleaning the bathroom, I don't like making beds- You name it, there is not a single household chore I enjoy. In fact I end up feeling like somebody's slave by the end of the day, which I'm sure makes me a very unpleasant wife to come home to.

I hate changing diapers (I wash my hands so many times a day that in the winter they crack and bleed). I find it very frustrating to figure something out for the girls and I to do in the winter months when I swear, if we stay inside for another minute we will literally start bouncing off the walls. It starts snowing up here in mid-October and the snow stays on the ground until March-ish. I don't like snow sports or being cold, which is pretty pathetic for someone who grew up here.

Sadly, the idea of putting my girls in day-care makes me want to cry. Jake and I have talked about me getting a job, and I just cannot justify it to myself right now. I really want to be able to be the one who sees them through their days and I want to get to see Abigail start to walk. I want to see Deborah get those new things and learn about the world. Nobody else can do traise my kids better than me. I know this, I get this, I agree with this, but AAAAHH! I hate being stuck at home. And that's what it feels like to me. Stuck, trapped, caged....

I don't think day-care is bad, specifically, I just don't want that for my girls. We had really hoped that my Mom would be able to take care of the girls so that I could go ahead and get a part-time job, but after the stroke she has a lot of problems picking up the baby. She's doing AMAZING. She is back at home, she is climbing the stairs, she can carry normal size things, and really do almost everything she used to be able to do. However, there is no way she could take care of them by herself for three or four hours a day.

We are probably not moving outside this summer... Not after my Mom's stroke. We've kind of had to make some changes in our plans now, but we'll see. It's like we'll be stuck up here for another winter, which has made me want to SCREAM. I DO NOT want to do another winter in Fairbanks. But the idea of my mom moving right now is kind of questionable... She's doing well but...

Anyway, there is my confession of the day, I guess... I hate being stuck at home. I hate being a stuck-at-home Mommy.

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