Wednesday, June 21, 2006


So, God, I'm just wandering what on earth you're up to here... 'Cuz it's SO not clear to me, and you know how I start fretting when I don't get what you're up to... Our Pastor doesn't want me leading worship 'cuz I'm a woman, and he doesn't want Jake leading worship 'cuz he just figured out he'd been divorced (which, by the way was never a secret, it's just not something you go around mentioning every conversation you have with someone... "You liked the songs we chose? How nice and oh yes, have I told you yet that I was divorced twelve years ago?") It's funny how quickly "I could just worship all night with you guys leading. God has really annointed you" changed to "God doesn't call divorced people to any form of leadership".

So now, we're being pretty forcibly removed from the leadership roles we've been in. I know you have a plan for my life, for our lives, but it is so unclear. And I'm scared. It doesn't seem possible for there to be someplace out there that we can both do what we love, that I can do drama, write and act and Jake can write more songs and we can lead worship together, and maybe I could do a children's choir, while at the same time make enough money off of it to eat and pay for housing and maybe have a car...

God we have so many hopes and dreams wrapped up in the next place, 'cuz we've been in four different churches together and we admit that none of them was right. The first one was a miracle you brought us through and taught us both so much in, but something we thank you over and over and over for removing us from; the next one was stuck in the sixties, wanted me leading and didn't want Jake playing that 'newfangled' keyboard; the next one couldn't pay us more than gas to and from, and was so tiny, sweet, but not growing at all; and this one has a music minister and a youth director who've both been there twenty years, and a pastor who's quite happy to see us out the door. "Quick, shut that woman up, she's out of line, she's stepping out of her place, and she's teaching other women, other girls!" Yes, God, I'm still angry and hurt. Please forgive me. My box of you is no more perfect than his box. I'm not seeing how big you are right now any more than he is, not really. There are messed up sinful pieces of me that he's got right in line with you... Just like there are messed up sinful pieces of him that I've got straight with you. Help me as a I finish out my commitment there.

So, where are you sending us? We're ready to go, but without some direction from you we might as well head to China... Show us the way. Make the path clear, at least the next few steps.

"Where am I going? I don't know.
How will I get there? I ain't certain.
All that I know is I am on my way."

No comments: