Sunday, August 13, 2017

Long Time

It's been so long since I blogged I almost don't know what to say...

First some updates:
*We've moved- we're still in Fairbanks, but we've moved across town.  My sister has her own awesome apartment, and my mom is now in an assisted living facility.
*I'm still taking classes on campus in the hopes of own day soon becoming a fully certified teacher.  I knew it would take a long time, but I've had to take two semesters off which has stretched it more than I expected.
*As part of many Alaska-wide budget cuts, my job at the library was cut.  Right now I'm a substitute at the library, but that can't continue.  So I'm looking for some part time work.
*My girls have both moved up in schools- Deborah is starting high school, and Abigail has graduated elementary and begun middle school.

This last year has been one of the hardest I've ever lived through-
I started 2016 with shoulder surgery for a damaged rotator cuff which meant taking another semester break in classes.
While I was still in PT for my shoulder my mom had one last very bad fall, and just stopped being able to use her legs.  She has a pacemaker so they cant take an MRI, but we think she has spinal damage, so the messages just don't get down to her legs anymore.  We took care of her for as long as possible, but a nurse reported us because we didn't have someone with her 24/7.  My mom was moved into an assisted living facility.  Which is what I was trying to prevent because she didn't want to go.  I admit that it has been better for her- she has the care she needed, but no one should have that choice taken away from them.  Her income has to be used for her care, which meant her home had to be sold.  The home my family has had for the last 20 years has to be sold.  And my little family of four had to find our own home, and impossible task.  But God is in the business of impossible.  And God provided.
We are renting a wonderful home that we adore and really cannot believe is ours.  It's beautiful.  And I'm still stunned it's ours.
I lost my perfect part time job at the library, and now we are limping by on my husband's salary and praying God provides.
Last week I said goodbye to my little old lady kitty, Luna, of 17 years.  I miss her so much.  Having a kitty on my lap while I read and next to me when I sleep...

I have struggled with massive depression over this last year- caring for my mom, losing her, losing my family's home, moving, losing my job, losing Luna...  I shouldn't be depressed, because I know God.  I know He loves me and cares for me.  I know He's got everything in His hands.  I should be okay.  But I'm just not.
I know God hears me.  But I feel like my prayers are going in a file drawer for Him to look at later, after He takes care of more important things.
I'm surviving, but not thriving.  Sleeping too much.  Eating too much.  Playing on my phone too much...

No comments: