Monday, August 31, 2009


I've been very down over the weekend. So has Jake.
Which means we get on each other's nerves.
Which means we snap and crackle at each other.

I hate it that being close to someone means you feel safe with them, which means you are more likely to casually hurt them. Not fair.

We show the world around us who we are by our actions even more than our words. When I am nasty and mean to my husband, my girls see it. My neighbors see it. The people in Fred Meyer see it. And I HATE it.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

I wish...

I wish...

We weren't so poor.
We were wiser with the money we have.
Jake had a job he loved that had benefits and growth potential.
Jake was writing more.
Jake was leading worship.
Jake was happy.
I were teaching drama & english.
I had more time for my jewelry.
I had a studio where I could go paint, and make jewelry, and leave unfinished projects out.
I slept more.
I wasn't always so tired.
I wrote more regularly.
I felt more connected to God.
I didn't feel so lonely.
I was involved with an amazing Bible study.
I was growing in God.
I was faithful to read my Bible every day.
I wasn't so overweight.
My ankle didn't hurt.
I could walk everyday.
My ankle was healing.
My neck didn't hurt all the time.
I dealt with less stress.
My house was clean.
Jake and I had more time alone.
Jake & I would go walking every day.
We had our own space.
Our backyard had a fence.
We had a dog.
My family weren't so messy.
I lived in Washington or Oregon.
I was acting in community theatre shows.
My heart didn't hurt every time I thought about church drama.
I was used by my church.
We were at a different church.
I felt like we were used by God appropriately.
I was acting at church or writing for my church.
I heard God more clearly.
I knew what God wanted me to do.
I was doing what I KNEW God wanted me to do.
I was who God wanted me to be.
I was content.

Friday, August 28, 2009


There's been NOTHING to read around the house... I had some jewelry books late at the library, so I couldn't go there to get new books. I've been rubbing my pennies together, and stacking books to turn in at the local used book store for credit...

So, I decided to find something in Beth's shelves. I found the Stephanie Meyer Twilight books.
I've read 2 and 1/2 so far. They're not as bad as I thought they'd be, but they are not as good as they should be. When so many people are raving about a series, it should be fantastic.

These books are not fantastic.

I apologize to any fans. I'm not intending to step on your toes. But if you think this is what 'real love' is all about, you are in for a world of hurt. I do not like these books promoted as the 'answer to love' for teen age girls. Cuz this is not love. It's creepy. And not the vampire bit. The vampires really aren't creepy, which is too bad. I think vampires should be kind of creepy.

The writing is mediocre. Imagine Romeo & Juliet, except the two families want the lovers together. Plus, he can read her mind. Perfection, yes?
Except there's no real drive or drama, no great characterizations. Oh, yeah. I forgot. Edward can 'sparkle'. And his eyes change color. That's characterization. Right?
And Bella's big flaw is that she doesn't believe that he could possibly ever love her. 'Cuz she's human. And clumsy.

There's a lot of over-the-top drama stuff. And over-the-top emotion stuff, which could be good. But it's not...
Love is AMAZING. I'm in love. Love can be good (again, think Romeo & Juliet), but it's just not that good. The first story gets interesting about two thirds of the way in, when the Cullen family (read 'GOOD vampires') is playing baseball (I kid you not), and three other non-Cullen (read 'BAD guys') vampires join them. They smell Bella and decide that they must have her as a light snack. And suddenly there's some action and interest.

The second one has werewolves. I LOVE werewolves. Who can go wrong with a good werewolf story??? I admit it was better than the first story, but that's just not saying much...

I'm currently in the middle of the third, which is kind of a "good-vampires meets bad-vampires meets werewolves" kind of tale. It's also better than the first, but again, that's just not saying much...

Sunday, August 23, 2009


I'm ready for change... So tired of this place, this time, this house...
Why can't I be content?
Rest in God's arms and trust Him to care for me?
Trust Him to know the right time?

Why do I fight?
I'm like a prizefighter- knocked down, but still yelling,
"I'm the champ! Let me up! I can do it!
Let me at him! I've got it in me!
Just wait! You'll see!"

I'm so tired of having this dream in me,
like a woman nine months pregnant,
and ready to hold her new baby in her arms.

This dream echoes in my head, in my heart.
A place for me and Jake.
A time for us.
No debt.
Reasonable bills.
A church home where we are loved, accepted and useful.
Two little blond girls, happy and excited to grow and explore.

Such a simple and almost unreachable goal.
So little compared to my goals & dreams 5, 10 years ago.

Dreams to be mightily used by God.
To have a creative ministry.
To be part of a group of people growing in God and reaching people.

Now, I just want to be where You want me to be.
Now, I just want to be united with You.
Used by You.
Freed by You.
Growing in You.

Tired, tired, tired of the same old.

After Farmer's Market

So, I get to go AWAY on Saturdays. I go to Farmer's Market and sell jewelry, interact with people and, if it's warm enough, I get to bead. I LOVE my portable beading tray. LOVE it. But that is beside the point here.
The point is that I go away. I leave my little ones in the care of their Grammy, and I go have fun. Potentially, I make money. Some days I sell a lot of jewelry. Some days a sell a little.
But to do this, I go away.
And the girls play.
And make a big fat mess.
And no one makes them clean up.
When I get home after a 9 to 10 hour HARD day, I come home to this:

And most Saturdays, Jake works until 9:30. Which means I need to cook for the girls, feed them, get the house a little clean (at least clean enough that we don't all die tripping over Barbie's bed or Polly's pocket or the Little People castle), bath them, and put them to bed.
All the while they are begging 'one more chance', or 'one more book', or 'but I don't WANNA!'

I really do love Saturdays. And Farmer's Market. And my two precious, sweet girls.
But parenthood is not for the weak.
And it's potentially deadly if you're tired.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Writing, writing, writing.

Yup, that's me. I've got deadlines, and jewelry to make.
So, no blogging. Wuhh-laaah!!!
No time.
The pretty pics will be back as soon as possible.
For now, it's just words, and quick ones at that...

Deborah is coming home from 1st grade EXHAUSTED. Poor kid. It's hard to go to school for 6 and 1/2 hours when your 6!
Abigail is lonely at home by herself. She misses her sister.
I'm stuck at the computer, and running around to appointments like a chicken with her head cut off. Doctors, school meetings, dropping Deborah off, picking her up, getting immunizations...

Jake's got a NASTY work schedule this week, 'cuz classes start up at the U and a quarter of his workmates are leaving for school. So, he's working 9 days straight with a noon to 9:30 shift. Which means he's not around for temper tantrums, dinner, baths, teeth-brushing, book-reading, or prayers... So, I have been transformed!

I'm Super-mom! Able to solve the biggest fear of a 3 year old- peeing by herself! Able to doctor the biggest owies and boo-boos! Able to calm the scariest temper tantrum an exhausted first grader can throw! Duh-duh-duh! Super-mom!

And of course, I'm not sleeping. Just to add to the general chaos this week my body has decided to pass on sleep. Yay.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Wedding Pieces

I've just finished some jewelry for a wedding. I enjoy doing commission pieces because I like knowing I will get paid. =)

As much as I enjoy just making pretties, I like knowing that the pretties I am making will make me money.

The hair vine was a totally new thing for me. I love the result.

I also made a wire necklace for the bride and one for her maid of honor. I didn't get pics before she came to pick them up, but I can give the reference pics.
The bride wanted something similar to this neclace, but with clear crystals around the blue flower center, and with clear crystals and leaves between the flowers.

Oh, and she wanted smaller flowers, so I used the next size down crystals... Her necklace looked like the crystal flowers on the hair vine...

I've never done wedding jewelry before, but I think the results were lovely.

Writing! Me!

Ha! I feel like writing today!!! =)
Don't know what I feel like writing about, but it's been a long time!

Let's see...
Jake let me sleep in today! And he washed a load of dishes, and he made me food, and he took the girls for an 'adventure'. So, I'm home. And it's quiet. And I'm the only one here. Isn't he good to me???
Bless the man!

Deborah goes to school again tomorrow. Her first day in first grade. She's so old. (six) And tall. (4 feet-ish)
She's excited about going back to school, while I am feeling trepiditious. This will be her first time doing ALL day. 9-3:30. What on earth will they do with all that time? Gracious, that's almost as long as 8-5. I know learning is hard work, but what will they do all day.
She already knows how to read. She's reading at an alarming rate. You know what I enjoy most about her reading?
Even when she's struggling to figure out a word, she adds inflections. If they are asking a question, she makes it sound like a question. She isn't just plodding along. She's figuring it out as she goes and enjoying the story. It's fun for her to read to me. Mostly what we do is share- I'll read a page, and then she'll read a page. Although she likes it when we do words- her one word, then me one word. Pretty funny.

Abigail starts pre-school on the 31st. She also turns 4 on the 31st. How did she get so old? And tall? I'm not sure how I feel about my baby being so big. I'm not ready for her to not be my baby.

I'm still writing for the church. And doing jewelry. And doing Farmer's Market. And I'm still busy. Probably too busy. I've been a little overwhelmed for the last week or so. Since we got back from camping I've felt like I'm always tired, and always behind...
But here I am. Writing. 'Cuz I want to, and I like it. Dang it. =P

Tuesday, August 11, 2009


I've been feeling the blahs... Not that life hasn't been happening. I just don't feel like commenting on it. Or writing about it. Or doing anything extra.
We went camping. It was great.
We went to the fair. Everybody had fun.
I slept a lot today. I wish I felt better.
I've been writing a lot for the Fellowship children's program. I am glad to be making money doing something I enjoy.
Deborah starts first grade next week. I don't know what I think about that...
I feel old and overweight. I turn 38 this year.
I hurt a lot- my ankle, my back, my neck.
I will be going to Farmer's Market tomorrow. I hope I sell some stuff.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Camping Trip

We're back from Denali!
And we had a wonderful time.
I'll share pictures and tales sometime when I'm not exhausted from the trip. =)

Saturday, August 01, 2009


My girls found a wasp hive in the back corner of the backyard yesterday.

What fun.

I was writing on the computer and they were playing outside. (I love where the computer is- right next to the sliding glass doors going outside. I can hear them and see them.)

Suddenly, they were screaming. And it wasn't the "I'm having fun!" scream. It was sheer panic/bad pain scream.

I stood up, slid open the screen and yelled "What is it?"

"Mama, mama, mama!" With both of them running towards me crying and screaming...

Deborah got to the porch stairs and started saying something about a bite and bees. I got her inside, and then Abigail finally got there. I was talking to her when I realized there was a wasp flying around her head. I yanked her in, closed the screen door and turned around to see Deborah's hand.

She had a nasty sting, so I took her up to the bathroom. And I watched wasps fly OUT OF HER SHIRT.

I yanked her out of the bathroom, shut the door and took her back down to the kitchen. Then I realized there were wasps flying around the living room...

So, I took both of them up to their bedroom, shut the door and got them calmed down. While I was holding them, my sister braved the bathroom and killed three wasps.

Then I left the girls in the bedroom, came downstairs and helped Beth round up the last few. We got a couple to fly out the window, and killed the other two. We counted up at least 8. We aren't sure exactly how many flew out the open window... I saw at least 2, and Beth saw another one.

I let them out of their bedroom, got Deborah medicated and calmed down. Then Jake called. And I fell apart.
Isn't that always the way it is? I can handle almost anything while it is happening, but afterwards... Really, when you think about it, it's amazing we got away with only one sting.

Jake's got a pretty crazy story about him and his brother finding a wasps nest. Each of them ended up with something like 13 stings...